INT. PHYCO'S FAMILY HOME/LIVING ROOM. EARLY MORNING
Phyco is dressed in the ubiquitous black suit, sprawling asleep on a sofa. His MUM enters with a cup of tea and gives his shoulder a shake - he wakes with a startled yelp

PHYCO: "Oh fuck! How did I get here?! What time is it?? Owwwww..."

His hangover cracks in and he rubs his eyes clear, MUM is sympathetic

PHYCO'S MUM: "I think you turned up on the doorstep about three this morning. [she strokes his hair] Did you get into trouble? You were rambling on about the police bringing you home. Ever so upset. You haven't been beaten up again have you love?"

PHYCO adjusts his tie and sips his tea

PHYCO [in pain]: "I've gotta be at Erotica in an hour Mum! I'm late... can I borrow your phone?"

MUM: "'Course you can... Where's Casper then? Wasn't he looking after you last night? He's meant to you know, after what your doctor said..."

PHYCO: "No, it's alright, I've got a minder now Mum, he'll get me there on time..."

MUM: "Not that hooligan that's been hanging 'round your sister? I've told you about getting mixed up with people like that, he's - "

Phyco silences his Mum with that gesture

PHYCO [shouting down the phone]: "Big Man? Yeah it's me... Phyco... [pause] Phyco from the Independent Porn Review... [pause] Phyco your employer... oh for fucks sake... look I'm at my Mum's house and we're really fucking late... Casper's already there... yeah... what? Well... I've a got a bit... about 4 lines worth... Oh please, fuck that for the minute, just hurry up and get over... Alright alright... Later."

Phyco's Mum tuts and looks lovingly at her dishevelled son as he staggers up adjusting himself in the living room mirror.

CUT TO

INT. BIG DICKIES CAR. MORNING
Parked up outside Phyco's Mums house. She's waving from the front door. Phyco's very anxious. BIG DICKIE is a huge skinhead in a stereotypical skinhead's uniform, who is preparing two large lines of cocaine on a CD cover on his lap. Phyco protests:

PHYCO: "I really don't think I should be doing that man - it's the last thing I need, I already feel like I'm gonna - "

Phyco waves back to his Mum and ushers her back indoors

BIG DICKIE [offering the CD case over]: "Shut it. Get it down ya, and skin up."

CUT TO

INT. BIG DICKIES CAR. MORNING
Hammering down the motorway at 120mph with The Prodigy playing at full volume. BIG DICKIE is head thrashing furiously with a lot of cocaine around his nostrils. PHYCO is in a terribly anxious state, puffing on a large joint, visibly disturbed by the music, drugs, hangover, panic etc.

PHYCO turns down the music, BIG DICKIE is annoyed

FADE TO

EXT. OLYMPIA EXHIBITION HALL. DAY
The car screeches to a halt directly outside the Olympia Exhibition hall and PHYCO and BIG DICKIE get out and casually stroll into the foyer, a concierge shouts after them

CONCIERGE: "Oi! You can't leave you car there!"

BIG DICKIE throws him the keys

PHYCO: "Can we do that?!"

BIG DICKIE: "Fuck'em"

FADE TO


INT. OLYMPIA EXHIBITION HALL. DAY
Phyco sits on the floor at the edge of the huge hall by the toilets getting his head/nerves together. Casper changes out of a grey shiny suit, into the black one, standing there in his boxers, showing off his new ab's...

BIG DICKIE [to Casper]: "So how did you get on in ol' Pen-ton-ville then?"

CASPER: "Y'know... more boring than anything to be honest... nothing to do but sit-ups"

BIG DICKIE: "What were you doing? Three-an-half?"

CASPER: "Yeah..."

BIG DICKIE: "Intent?"

CASPER: "Yeah... something like that"

BIG DICKIE: "So what's wrong with the grey suit?"

CASPER: "It's him - he insists on black suits..."

PHYCO: "Look guys, we've got a reputation to uphold, people expect us to be in the correct uniform."

CASPER: "Rep-u-fucking-tation? They wouldn't even give us press passes this year!"

BIG DICKIE [furious]: "You what?"

CASPER: "Yeah, it's true... "Not this year lads" he said... "No cameras" he said. Well we'll see about that. "You're not representative of where the show's going" he said. "Not conducive with the general atmosphere" he said."

BIG DICKIE's getting well wound up, putting all his big nasty ring's onto one hand and going red

CASPER: "Yeah, so this year, BIZARRE MAGAZINE said we could be on their stand. They haven't sorted a pornstar or a tit-model out to attract attention so we said we'd be their honourary celebrity special guests for the weekend..."

BIG DICKIE [calming]: "I like that magazine... you can always count on a good picture of an infected cock or some bloke with his feet sawn off... or a diseased arsehole... or a bird with no eye balls... getting fucked by a leper... [pause] The sealed section's always a bit of a let down though aye? Just adverts for them phone lines... on cheap paper..."

CASPER: "Right. Let's go meet the team."

Phyco looks nervous, and ill. Big Dickie looks violent, and wired. Casper leads the way, darting his cuffs, looking sharp...




INT. BIZARRE MAG STAND/EROTICA. DAY
A pleasant looking chap arranges magazines neatly on a trestle table draped with a red satin sheet. Cover-shot posters on the wall. A little till behind the table. A little stool. A sign with an offer on it. The IPR team approach ominously.

BIZARRE CHAP: "Hello fella's, can I interest you in a subscription to the magazine, we're running a special off - "

CASPER & PHYCO stroll round to the other side of the stand and start looking around under the table etc.

BIZARRE CHAP: "You can't come 'round here guys, it's priv - "

BIG DICKIE [wading in]: "You wanna start telling the boys what to do son?"

CASPER [calming Big Dickie]: "It's alright, he's sound..."


CASPER [to Bizarre Chap]: "Okay... we're the Independent Porn Review... we've arranged to spend the weekend on the stand with you... drum up some publicity... meet and greet... pose for some photographs"

BIZARRE CHAP [suspicious]: "Nobody told me about this... are you sure you've got the right - "

PHYCO holds BIG DICKIE back

BIZARRE CHAP [nervously glancing at Big Dickie]: "Who's he?"

CASPER: "Don't worry about him, he just sorts things out... keeps an eye on Phyco"

BIZARRE CHAP [nervously glancing at Phyco]: "Why, what's wrong with him?"

CASPER: "He just gets excited, it's all gonna be alright, come on, that's it..."

BIZARRE CHAP shrugs, resigning himself to the arrangements

BIZARRE CHAP: "So what's the plan then? Any ideas?"

PHYCO opens the till using the secret catch underneath and counts the money, handing the notes to BIG DICKIE

PHYCO: "Let's get a couple of pints in eh? Liven ourselves up a bit..."

TIME LAPSE

INT. BIZARRE MAG STAND/EROTICA. EARLY AFTERNOON
The stand is now littered with fifty or sixty empty plastic pint glasses full of dregs and fag butts, several overflowing ashtrays, toilet rolls, other peoples flyers and free samples, Casper & Phyco's own marketing as well as a large pile of torn beer-soaked and screwed-up copies of Bizarre Magazine... the wall hung cover posters are now crooked and graffitied with marker pen glasses-and-moustaches, there's litter and spillage all around the floor, the BIZARRE CHAP is completely pissed and singing loudly, knocking the special offer board over, BIG DICKIE looks very intimidating, smokes a spliff flagrantly... CASPER & PHYCO stand, arms folded, surveying their crowd, like the Kray Twins, at the front of the table:

CASPER: "Okay. Let's get this show on the road."

PHYCO [arseholed]: "Fuggin' avin'it mate... ALRIIIGHT! ALRIIIIGHT! Y'bashtards..."

FADE TO VIGNETTES




"Pjur Eros get fleeced for annual freebies"

PJUR NICK [to Phyco]: "Do you know that you are the only bloke I know who I can call a complete tosser and you take it as a compliment."

PHYCO [receiving free bottles of uber-lube]: "Thanks Nick, it means a lot to me."

CASPER [disgusted]: "Fucking lube... what's wrong with you? Give me a bucket of coarse builders sand any day."
"Pjur Eros get fleeced for annual freebies"

PJUR NICK [to Phyco]: "Do you know that you are the only bloke I know who I can call a complete tosser and you take it as a compliment."

PHYCO [receiving free bottles of uber-lube]: "Thanks Nick, it means a lot to me."

CASPER [disgusted]: "Fucking lube... what's wrong with you? Give me a bucket of coarse builders sand any day."




"Bondage Tape"

PHYCO's got his entire head wrapped in black plastic tape, being led around the hall by CASPER looking for some attractive girls to do a photo with before he expires of asphyxiation.

CASPER: "Just a couple more minutes... I'm changing the settings on the camera"

PHYCO desperately claws about with his hands in a suffocating panic

CASPER: "Just... a few... more minutes"

PHYCO slaps his head in a final fit

CASPER: "Nearly... there... a couple of minutes..."

etc.





"The exclusive IPR interview with Gorgeous Georgefrom McCoy's Guide"

BIG DICKIE [quietly, to Casper]: "Who's this old cunt then?"

CASPER [to Big Dickie]: "He shags prostitutes and reviews it in his directory. Sort of like the Jeremy Clarkeson of knocking shops."

PHYCO: "Okay George... first off... do you enjoy your work?"

MR McCOY: "Well I - "

PHYCO [interrupting]: "But don't you have to wear Rubber Jonnies all the time?"

MR McCOY: "Of course, it's not worth riskin - "

PHYCO [interrupting]: "Shame though aye? Sort of takes the gambling element out of it all?"

MR McCOY [sternly]: "Look... You can't just go aroun - "

PHYCO [interrupting]: "What about all the exploited eastern European girls like on "Sex Traffic" though, doesn't that sort of take the shine off a bit? Or does that just add to the whole thrill?"

MR McCOY [categorically]: "Well in all the years I've been doing this I've NEVER personally met ANY girl who would appear to be being exploited, or forced to do ANYTHING they don't want to be - "

PHYCO [interrupting]: "I suppose it's evident though eh?"

MR McCOY [impatiently]: "What is?"

PHYCO: "Well, most of 'em are fucking ugly. If I was going to kidnap girls to prostitute, I'd get good looking ones, I mean, you might as well aye? If you're going to go to that sort of trouble, why get dogs?"

MR McCOY: "Errrr..."

PHYCO: "What about gay stuff, do you do much of that?"

MR McCOY: "Um, no I don't, that's not my - "

PHYCO [interrupting]: "But there must of been a couple of pre-op's along the way eh?" [cheeky slap on the back] "Come on Georgey boy... be honest..."

MR McCOY: "Uh... no... I think maybe one post-op in my time, but that wasn't planned for, and -"

PHYCO [interrupting]: "Can't get enough of it myself... the old little-cock-on-an-imported-Chinese-girl routine... I bet they're EVERYWHERE in the world of brass!"

MR McCOY: "No, that's not my thing I'm afraid."

CASPER: "It must of cost you a fucking fortune to fuck all these hoes George"

MR McCOY: "Well, such is my reputation, that I have never had to pay for a single session!"

BIG DICKIE [suspiciously]: "Are you that bloke who makes them crinkly crisps?"

MR McCOY [bamboozled]: "Eh?"

PHYCO: "Okay, moving on, let's talk about some free samples then..."

BIG DICKIE [to Casper]: "Look at the picture on his ticket... he looks like a sex offender..."

www.mccoysguide.com





"Phyco and Grandma Libby at MILF2GILF.com"

GRANDMA LIBBY: "I'm the oldest working porn star in the British industry you know!"

CASPER bears down on her and her rude old friends, he looks very intense, a bit uncomfortable

PHYCO [coyly]: "Would you do a scene... with me? do you think?"

GRANDMA LIBBY [giggling]: "Ooooh yesss dear... I'd love to!"

PHYCO [bashfully]: "Would you take your teeth out for it?"

GRANDMA LIBBY: "Oi! Cheeky!"

PHYCO: "What about anal sex? Could I fuck you up the arse?"

GRANDMA LIBBY [strictly]: "No dear. That's the only thing I won't do. My bum's my own, that's my rule. Anything else - but not me old bum."

PHYCO: "Ahhh, now that is a shame, see I'm very anal me. Even to the point of scat."

GRANDMA LIBBY [repelled]: "Ooo no..."

PHYCO: "What about swallowing? Could I come in your mouth? That's my favourite."

GRANDMA LIBBY: "Sweetheart, I give the best blow job in this business you know. I'll be seventy years old next year, so I've probably had more practice than anyone!"

PHYCO [pondering]: "Mmmmm... I can just see it now... you are lovely you know. You remind me a bit of my Great Gran."

GRANDMA LIBBY [concerned]: "Oh dear."

PHYCO: "Dead now of course."

GRANDMA LIBBY [disturbed]: "Oooo"

PHYCO [pawing at her bra]: "Can I see your boobs now? Will you get them out?"

GRANDMA LIBBY [cautiously]: "Well, we can do a quick photograph if you like?"

PHYCO: "That'd be wonderful, but would you mind awfully if I sucked your nipples?"

GRANDMA LIBBY: "Oh I don't know about that young man..."

BIG DICKIE wades over with an air of menace...




 


"Lindy Dawn McHenry and her discount polaroids"

PHOTOGRAPHER: "Show us your fiver lads... the cash before the flash."

CASPER reluctantly hands him a five pound note

PHOTOGRAPHER: "Right quickly... and... smile..."

She gets her big bags of full-fat out... C&P pose for a pic... Flash!

L.D.M [pushing C&P away]: "Right! Who's next?! Come on... get yer fivers out ya' bastards!"

THIS IS WHERE THE POLAROID
SOULD BE, IF CASPER HADN'T
PUT IT IN THE WASHING MACHINE

CASPER and PHYCO loiter for a while, projecting arrogance, waiting for their Polaroid to develop, while BIG DICKIE looks menacing, scaring off her queue of balding Sunday Sport readers brandishing Scottish five pound notes.

CASPER: "Fuck me, she's rank."

PHYCO: "I know, did you see the veins in them tits? Like balloons full of stilton."





"Important business with GIRO DAVE at Harmony"

GIRO DAVE: "Where do I send sample DVD's to these days? Are you still at the same office?"

PHYCO: "It's probably better if you send stuff to me Mums house for now Dave, just until we get back on our feet."

GIRO DAVE: "Where's the website gone though lads? It's been down for months"

CASPER: "So have I mate, so have I..."






"Snorting crushed Herbal Viagra"

PHYCO: "Right, I want as many free samples as possible and I'll try and break the world record for overdosing without actually having a heart attack... come on... don't be tight... you know it doesn't do anything anyway..."

An hour later and PHYCO's got a dreadful nose bleed, a head that looks like a swollen purple pumpkin, blue lips, flickering red eye lids and a nine and a quarter inch protrusion in his wet trousers that's threatening to burst into flames.



FADE TO


INT. BIZARRE MAG STAND/EROTICA. LATE EVENING
BIZARRE CHAP is passed out behind the ruined remains of the wall-papering table, face down in an expanding puddle of dribble, marker pen drawing all over his face and an oily strap-on cock hanging round his neck. Passers by regard the rubble that was once the Bizarre Magazine stand curiously, maintaining a safe distance.

FADE TO

EXT. OLYMPIA EXHIBITION HALL. NIGHT
CASPER stands outside the hall nervously supporting a shivering, collapsed PHYCO who's swallowed his tongue and is struggling to remain conscious.

BIG DICKIE [shouting down his mobile]: "What the fuck do you mean you towed it away you cunt?! If that motor aint outside this fucking hall in twenty minutes flat I'm coming down there to open you up like a tin of fucking home-brand beans you jumped up little shit-head..."


BIG THANKS to Dennis Publishing for allowing us to hijack Bizarre Magazine's G38 stand for Saturday & Sunday, although we would have preferred Maxim to be honest. Or Viz.

Thanks as always to our ever depleting reserve of friends and allies who can still afford a stand at this annually deteriorating event. BOLLOCKS to the organisers for NOT giving us press passes this year - just remember that we ALWAYS find a way to play without paying.

Also thanks to BIG DICKIE for security services rendered - the cheque's in the post, promise.

Freebies, business and legal enquiries etc by email.

© Casper & Phyco 2005
The Porn Review - All rights reserved