Casper & Phyco Title Sequence #1
SHIT BRITISH GANGSTER MOVIE
Straight on the band wagon...
and off the other side.
Casper & Phyco tool up for their ongoing improvised adult industry adventures with the infamous Porn Review of Great Britain.
If it's got a gun in it and smoking pot...
Fade in
Title: The Independent Porn Review
Audio: Funky shit
Fade to black
Fade in
At the desk in presenters mode - Casper reads a porn mag
Phyco: "Hello... we are Casper... and Phyco at The Independent Porn Review... it is our mission to trawl in earnest - selflessly sampling all the pornography currently available in the UK the better that YOU make an informed choice next time you spend a pink penny on your topshelf..."
pause...
Phyco: "...and we hope you appreciate it."
Casper shuffles through the mags
Fade to black
Fade in
Viewing area - plate of biscuits on the floor
Phyco: "This is where it all happens... we like to make it as much like a Gentlemens Club as possible... help to view the project objectively... um [points to garland] Brazilian Butt-fest there look... [the black board - picks up pole] these are the qualifiers... this is what it takes to get a Casper & Phyco Certificate of Qualification... [tap] No Acting... speaks for itself... No Music... ditto - with the odd exception... No Dubbing... one of the worst crimes in the world - thankfully in decline since R18... No Editing... virtually impossible but we don't want to see it... No Trainers [glance]... come on... and finally No Nonsense... i mean... this is hard enough as it is...
...right lets get to work [stands up - adjusts trousers - unwraps tape and inserts etc. where it's from - what it is - straight into fast forward all the way into the action]
Casper: "Oi don't do that - press play"
Phyco: "Yeah alright i'm just getting to the good bits"
Casper: "You don't know where the good bits are gonna be - we can't hear it - now press play"
he pokes Phyco
Phyco presses play and automatically hands Casper the headphones - which he puts on - Phyco starts to slowly increase the volume knob...
Phyco: "Say when"
Casper: "...Okay"
They've done this a thousand times... or more
Phyco picks up a cheap mic and switches it on...
Phyco [into mic]: "How you getting on with this? Anything stand out?"
Casper [shouting]: "YEAH... IT'S ALRIGHT"
Phyco [to crew]: "Very important is the sound to Casper... avery audio orientated fellow... we always say - we're looking for oral... anal... and AURAL"
Casper [loudly]: "This is brilliant"
Phyco [to crew]: "We review each product on the basis of... qualification... merit... and value..."
Casper [loudly]: "This is shit"
Phyco [to telly]: "whoopsydaisy - there she goes - arse over tit"
Casper [loudly]: "This is brilliant"
They both watch... Casper starts pounding an exercise grip furiously... Phyco's head sinks into his hands
Phyco: "Jesus I've watched too much of this shit"
Fade to black
Fade in
Phyco: "We don't learn all the names and stuff... it's more like... "Oh her"... or... "Ah that's him"... y'know?... it's all very much in the visual sense... we're not out to win mastermind... we just... tell it like it is... [looking back to film]... now that's nice [pointing]"
Casper: "This is shit"
Casper throws the head phones off... rant ad-lib...
Fade to black
Fade in
At the desk in presenters mode - Casper reads a porn mag
Phyco: "That one came from downstairs at the Soho Bookshop opposite Liverpool Street station... check'um out - good range - excellent customer services... with discretion... we're Casper and Phyco... this is The Independent Porn Review... until the next time..."
Casper perks up - they chime in unison:
"Have a nice wank"
Fade to black