CASPER & PHYCO'S FIRST SERIES - PILOT v.3 [Note: Cinema verite] BLACK FADE INT. OFFICE. NIGHT CASPER AND PHYCO - MEN IN BLACK AT THE DESK - VERY SERIOUS PHYCO: "Good evening and... welcome, to The Independent Porn Review" CUT TO: Beat-for-beat high speed stills montage including titles CASPER AND PHYCO PRESENT THE INDEPENDENT PORN REVIEW 30 sec. intro music Final frame hold: the exterior door buzzer with a little "Independent Porn Review" label for the top floor FADE TITLE CARD: "MISSION STATEMENT" FADE INT. OFFICE. NIGHT CASPER AND PHYCO AT THE DESK Production Note: Name titles as D.O.G's, CASPER, PHYCO, WESTY etc. throughout PHYCO'S delivery is in the style of The Queen's Speech, CASPER reads a porn mag carefully PHYCO: "Thankyou for watching. We believe that through our tireless search for the finest grumble on the topshelf, you too can make a more informed choice the next time you purchase a dicking pic... sometimes challenging, sometimes difficult, Casper & Phyco will endaevor to provide the most up-to-the-minute commentary on all the choicest pipe-cleaning materials currently available to the British adult-video buying public. This is our mission, this is our life. Our passion... and our power... to tell it like it is, against all adversity..." etc. EXPAND CASPER [looking up from mag]: "Eh?" Scene breaks down FADE TITLE CARD: "PHYCO" **VT 1 START** EXT. SOHO. DAY CASPER introduces "How to make a Porno movie Part 1" with a big foam mic. PHYCO goes up to a red-light flat in Soho, mini-mic'd up, he tries to persuade the girl to do a blowjob scene with him on camera. CASPER: "Next week we'll be..." etc. **VT 1 END** FADE INT. OFFICE. NIGHT PHYCO: "The Search continues for the ultimate in currently available knocking-pop tonight as we trawl through the porn pile to bring you the very latest in top shelf tonk... everything from upmarket big budget blockbusters..." CASPER: "BOO" PHYCO: "...to low-fi gonzo gutter guff as we persue the noble quest and bring you the very best in contemporary knuckling butter..." CASPER: "And with more Wives than a Moonie wedding and more grit than a gravel pit, we'll be keeping it REAL as the Casper season proudly kicks off with a scorching little number from the UK's own Strand productions..." PHYCO: "First up though it's a brand new Nasty U.S. Hardset affair from Anabolic Video as we take the plunge into the 8th in the - shocktastic - "Anabolic Initiations" series... reap it... Cor.. that light's getting a bit hot..." CASPER: "I'm fucking starving..." FADE TITLE CARD: "INITIATIONS 8" "ANABOLIC VIDEO 2002" "90 Minutes starring XXX" PHYCO: "...it's an enevitable classic... can there be any doubt as to the Anabolic collective's total and complete dominance of the dicking-pic' woodpile? I mean - "Initiations 4" nearly put us out of business what with my hopeless pathalogical inability to consume any other fare for so long - and now the only title to tip the pop-top is in the shape of its logical son and heir "Volume 5"... Once again the delivery is impeccable - when it comes to camera work the big V is the daddy - all the best things in life: Pile-driving anal... Down-the-hatch facials... Pretty-as-a-picture teenies doing no-frills hard sets with no plastic tits or fancy drawers and no story line clutter [Our fascination with Hollywood feature lengths was predictably short lived]... Just the cutest fresh faced young scamps getting put through the paces by those tyranical dogs the Anabolic Initiation Squad... unbeatable beats from the kings of conk - my god if it's not as good as it gets! The boys just know exactly how to play it cool - definitive woodwork from master cocksmiths... Look out for that sensational rusky Claudia Adkins bolstering her trademark harder-hardcore with some quite charming cam-chat... a lovely closing credits interview - she's fucking brilliant... If you're in need of boys-own hardened sport porn then... pick up an Anabolic title... there's a whole range of specialised titles in the line [although "Initiations" is best for a cross-section selection of genres] running along the same main vein and they're all widely available from any good bell-mongers priced £19.99 or a tenner for swaps if you live in the city... or... "whatever" off some mailorder company we can't be bothered to research properly... Phyco's "Three parts Elbow Grease to one part antiseptic healing creme" score: XXXXXX" CASPER: Initi-bloody-ations my eye. It's too easy... these birds could do it in their sleep! It's got to be an effort. Faint heart never won fair cock. It's not a trick love, it's your bloody A and O levels. We've got Vincey givin' it the large one - trying to intimidate the girls and they look like he ain't got nothing that would even raise their pulse! I remember once I went to a party... and at about 4 0'clock in the morning... I crept into a room... there was a T.V. and video... well of course I've pressed play and low and behold! there's Mr Perry doing the business outside McDonalds in North Finchley! Anyway I pressed eject... and stuffed the item down my trousers... made my excuses and caught the nightbus home more excited than a junkie with a sack of smack... ...got home and put it on - and the picture was a bit shit - but this bird is trying to pass her A level, and all of a sudden - she lets out a scream as it all proves too much and the film quickly edited to a new scene... FUCKING MAGIC! Anyway... soon after that the tape snapped as did my banjo string... KEEP IT REAL or don't bother. In my opinion we need a "mature" season. Casper's "Platinum Amex between the buttocks" score: XXX" PHYCO: "You see old Vince Voyeur... his cocks... a... two tone cock... y'seen that?" CASPER: "Yeah... i'm not a big fan of his cock to be honest... I mean - I know it's a two tone but y'know... Oh... no hang on... i'm thinking of another penis..." PHYCO: "Well who's penis are you thinking of?" CASPER: "...pointy sort of... angled cock... I think i'm thinking of Dover..." PHYCO: "The lizard" CASPER: "It's not that its lizardy... it's... I'd spot Dover's penis in a line up of thousands... yeah but the thing is with fucking "Vince" is... and you can tell him this... I think he's a fucking pussy... yeah... him and his mates... fucking... pussies... pretending to "initiate" the girls into his little "club"... they'd... have him for fucking breakfast I tell ya... ...whereas... Kriss News... now that's a woodsman... umm... I'd like to see him... and Ginger Lynn do a scene... 'cos she likes givin' it the large one, while he just likes giving it to 'em... eerrrmmm.... ...I mean... "Vince"... it says it all really dunnit... fucking "Vince"... I tell ya... you get him round here..." etc. etc. FADE TITLE CARD: "CASPER" **VT 2 START** INT. OFFICE. DAY CASPER and PHYCO talking about the "Cum Bong" as urban myth. 3 days later: "We've only fucking made one!" and they produces it proudly. PHYCO Takes a thick bubbly hit of green. CASPER tips it over his head. **VT 2 END** TITLE CARD: "UK GIRLS" "STRAND PRODUCTIONS 2002" "90ish Minutes Starring Kriss, Faith, Shannon +1, Yvette and "Ray"" FADE INT. OFFICE DESK. NIGHT PHYCO: "Extraordinary. It's filthy "Faith" up first, the gobbling grandma, and she's got all the winks and waffle you'll need to have your ribs in stitches within 3 minutes of switching on "C'mon - you can do it - get it going - you should be really wanking yourself by now!" she coo's all toothy waggling her mitt around in the dry hairy bathtub between her legs... she's a shocker alright - but there's some kind of strange compelling magic issuing from the screen as her pantomime unfolds... and all the comedy clears... and a terrible *naughty* descends like a crisp thick fog. "HAVE FAITH IN ME!" she screams with her head thrown back exposing the best dental work in the sex industry and we nearly shat our legs off with mirth! "You've got me good and proper then!" she adds and we just pass away without resistance - because it can never be this good again... The red lingery and the scars twinkle under the lounge halogens and the most beautiful UK facial ever concludes this so-suprising testament to pure on-screen chemistry being the stuff of awards and arm-ache... Magic!! And all permeated with Ummmng - corrrrr - phwoooaaarrr - hng! - wrrrooorrwrror - cooorrr - phwoooo - oooeeerr... ...throughout... Kenneth Connor in Carry On Up The Front-pipe [anal free i'm afraid... sorry sodomites!] and the show goes on as old saucy "Shannon" takes to the stage, lightly assuring us that "that's nice" like she was referring to her collectors plates... her old boy's taking the joint lead here and - more's the pity - remains quite out of shot for the best part of her scene - I say pity because when we do finally get a full body shot he is revealed to be the "hardest man in Britain" and the spectacle proves all the better for the old-school greaserisms he provides... "Oh yes... fuck... mmmmng... yes... ooer..." with a canary in a cage behind the covered sofa... the net curtains... the textured wallpaper... the brass-and-glass lamp... it's so familiar! She's on her back earning her sprocket-money and her head's wedged up the side of the video collection! This is that bird down the pub - the legendary barmaid who used to sort out the lads with her "on a plate" approach to casual bog sex on a boozy late lock in! A hardcore episode of George and Mildred... a pornographic soap opera... palming herself off in an unprecedented, breathtaking sexology lesson that kept us - and the camera that serves us - transfixed as her yoni goes into fits, and then she too pulls of a sincerely rude facial [next to a big box of Kit Kats on the floor] while her mutton chopped hubby delivers a mildly repellent spoonful of butter in a fittingly gripping piece of slapflick [Phyco: "Casper - whas the word for how he just shot his beans?" Casper: "He didn't shoot anything... he oozed his beans"] I can't believe I'm watching this you know... the only teens in sight are framed on the mantelpiece... and it's brilliant! Look out for the magic moment when the back end meat shot breaks the pace to realign the pistons and the fuzziest pair of oranges sweep up the screen in a smashing mid-way chuckler... Oooph - phwoooaaarr - grrrr - ooooogh - whoooaaahhh - corrrphwarrrooorr - bwrwrwrrr... "Dirty wives at home!" promises the box, and if it's correct, our third feature "Yvette" lives in a field: It's an alfresco session with the redundant todger of her old man [Casper: "I bet his name's Ray"] to get things milky until cheeky bollocks Kriss News comes swaggering through the barley to provide his third portion of energetic British timber in this remarkable turn up for the books that has got Casper by the wire's... All these old birds are so fucking keen that they manage to completely transcend the micro-stigmas that porn usually employs to accentuate the titillating little rudenesses that make it work; their honest and sincere fuckery affords us splendid blue moods that move all the goal posts in our noble quest for the *real thing*! "Anything at the end?" ponders Casper optimistically as his big toe hits the fast forward... "Naaahhh... pity" and that cunt Tarrant kicks in over the telly... phew... what a revelation... nothing will ever be the same again... You can grab this for under a tenner "downstairs at the SoHo Bookshop" if you're in London... Phyco's "Any of you soft boys?" score: XXXXXX" CASPER: "Oh God someone help me! I have descended into a world of sheer depravity that will sicken many, and confuse many more: I LIKE GRANNY PORN!! I'm not saying buy this, I'm not saying like this, I'm not even saying watch it... but for ME - well... I can't keep away from it... It's disgusting - it's great... it's rank - it's saucy... it's bad - but it's good... it's wrong - but God it's ooooohhhh sssoooo RIGHT. I'm addicted. But after the lunchbreak is over, I'm as shame ridden as a nasty little old man at home alone in his bedsit who's been out exposing himself to women in the park... IT'S TEARING ME APART. Having said that - it's just a stigma, a load of conditioning and social hangups. I believe it should be regarded as a healthy admittance of a childhood fantasy! Trust me on this one - HAVE FAITH IN ME!/HAVE ME IN FAITH!...PLEASE!!! I've said it before, but i'll say it again THESE BIRDS LOVE IT. There are elements of a contrived nature, but let's face it - some old bird is getting it rotten off a young stallion - of course she fucking loves it! This is accentuated by the cameo appearances of their rotund, gnarled, dissinterested, flacid, waxen husbands who couldn't get a turge-on for love nor money! It's real it's fucking gritty and it's every man's childhood fantasy: To shag the bird the milkman used to make a "special visit" to on his round when you were a kid, the one with the fluffy mule slippers and the silk neglige under the modest seethrough dressing gown... This is fucking it for me... it's got everything - I could even read the labels of the video collection in their front room in the second scene - "Jimmy Tarbuck LIVE AT THE PALLADIUM" - Oh God! - pure unadulterated genius. Despite that wanker running off like Benny Hill at the end of the last scene without his Chinos and Faith behaving like an elderly oversexed Ruby Wax - this coins it as far as I'm concerned. I'm so proud of the fact that the "Casper Season" kicked off with this. In fact if I have anything to do with it, it will continue with this and then it will end with this and then...well then... there's nothing left for me here... Casper's "Happy... but in some ways... sad" score: XXXXXXX" INT. OFFICE DESK. NIGHT PHYCO: "Coming next week - clocking the shittest porno movies EVER MADE, as we expose the dead herrings in the net the better you might give them a miss..." CASPER: "Erm... I'm going to change my name to San Fernando and move to LA to join a precious metal band..." PHYCO: "Until the next time..." CASPER [ref San Fernan' to PHYCO]: "How about a bit of that?" CASPER & PHYCO [flick and points]: "Have a nice wank" FADE VIDEO: WESTY'S COCK [Beastie Boys - "Girls"] END TITLES TICKER FART... CLOSE FADE [REPRISE] INT. OFFICE. NIGHT CASPER & PHYCO chatting informally with the crew. Adlib... Punchline... TITLE CARD: (c) Casper & Phyco - All rights reserved LONDON TITLE CARD: www.casper-and-phyco.com --- CASPER & PHYCO'S FIRST SERIES - PILOT v.2 [Note: Cinema verite] As a rule, office scenes filmed at night represent CASPER & PHYCO's vision for their own program. Day time scenes represent footage captured by the crew onsite with CASPER & PHYCO at the IPR office. VT sequences are in-the-moment gonzo. BLACK FADE INT. OFFICE. NIGHT CASPER AND PHYCO - MEN IN BLACK AT THE DESK - VERY SERIOUS PHYCO: "Good evening and... welcome, to The Independent Porn Review" Production Note: Episode 1 Intro Style: Men in black [Blues Brothers etc.] Episode 2 Intro Style: Bareknucklers [Fight Club etc.] Episode 3 Intro Style: Prisoners [Scum etc.] Episode 4 Intro Style: Cheesy Porners [Boogie Nights etc.] Etc. CUT TO: Beat-for-beat high speed stills montage including titles CASPER AND PHYCO PRESENT THE INDEPENDENT PORN REVIEW Napalm Death - "Breed to Breathe" 30 sec. intro edit Final frame hold: the exterior door buzzer with a little "Independent Porn Review" label for the top floor FADE TITLE CARD: "MISSION STATEMENT" FADE INT. OFFICE. NIGHT CASPER AND PHYCO AT THE DESK Production Note: Name titles as DOG's, CASPER, PHYCO, WESTY etc. throughout PHYCO'S delivery is in the style of The Queen's Speech, CASPER reads a porn mag carefully PHYCO: "Thankyou for watching. We believe that through our tireless search for the finest grumble on the topshelf, you too can make a more informed choice the next time you purchase a dicking pic... sometimes challenging, sometimes difficult, Casper & Phyco will endaevor to provide the most up-to-the-minute commentary on all the choicest pipe-cleaning materials currently available to the British adult-video buying public. This is our mission, this is our life. Our passion... and our power... to tell it like it is, against all adversity..." etc. EXPAND CASPER: "Eh?" Scene breaks down FADE INT. OFFICE. DAY PHYCO is showing the camera & crew around the small office - pointing out the different features and functions they perform - very proud. CASPER tails along visibly bored, fiddling with his mobile. PHYCO: "This is where we test new products" There is an old TV and video on a formica table - piled with cassettes, ashtrays, cans etc. - two orange plastic chairs and a tin litter bin spilling over with soiled tissues. PHYCO: "We'll need to get a cleaning lady soon!" [Awkward grin] Camera pans away and zooms over nasty sights PRODUCER OOS: "Why the black suits?" CASPER: "We wear nothing but suits" PHYCO: "It's basics innit? If you wanna look cool.... Black Suits... I mean... Blues Brothers... Reservoir Dogs... Men In Black..." CASPER: "Patrick Bateman" PHYCO: "Gilbert & George... Man Bites Dog... Pulp Fiction" CASPER [throwing a cassette loudly onto the pile]: "Godfather" PHYCO: "Y'know... it looks more professional... more of an authority... it's very sexy a black suit aye?" PRODUCER OOS: "So, do you have girlfriends?" you could hear a pin drop... PHYCO [over compensating]: "Sorry?" PROD: "Do you have girlfriends?" PHYCO [unprepared]: "...well... you know we're very busy... the work takes up most of our lives... I don't think we've really got room for Girlfriends at this stage... [Casper? glance... camera] We haven't really got time..." CASPER: "We're professional wankers mate" PROD: "When was the last time you had a girlfriend" PHYCO [awkward]: "Look - can we do that shot again with Casper looking at the preview tapes?" FADE TITLE CARD: "PHYCO" **VT 1 START** EXT. SOHO. DAY CASPER introduces "How to make a Porno movie Part 1" with a big foam mic. PHYCO goes up to a red-light flat in Soho, mini-mic'd up, he tries to persuade the girl to do a blowjob scene with him on camera. CASPER: "Next week we'll be " etc. **VT 1 END** FADE INT. OFFICE. NIGHT Presentation mode: to camera PHYCO: "The Search continues for the ultimate in currently available knocking-pop tonight as we trawl through the porn pile to bring you the very latest in top shelf tonk... everything from upmarket big budget blockbusters..." CASPER: "BOO" PHYCO: "...to low-fi gonzo gutter guff as we persue the noble quest and bring you the very best in contemporary knuckling butter..." CASPER: "And with more Wives than a Moonie wedding and more grit than a gravel pit, we'll be keeping it REAL as the Casper season proudly kicks off with a scorching little number from the UK's own Strand productions..." PHYCO: "First up though it's a brand new Nasty U.S. Hardset affair from Anabolic Video as we take the plunge into the 8th in the - shocktastic - "Anabolic Initiations" series... reap it... Cor.. that light's getting a bit hot..." CASPER: "I'm fucking starving..." FADE TITLE CARD: "INITIATIONS 8" "ANABOLIC VIDEO 2002" "90 Minutes starring XXX" INT. OFFICE DESK. DAY The crew are trying to coax information out of CASPER who is very cagy. PHYCO comes crashing in with a new tape. PHYCO: "Just in! Action stations! Anabolic Initiations 8! Let's Rock and fuckin' Roll!" FADE INT. OFFICE VIEWING AREA. DAY CASPER and PHYCO are in the "new product testing" area of earlier. This is them "working" and PHYCO is keen to make a good show for the camera. CASPER couldn't care less about appearances/business protocol etc. CASPER: "This is shit" PHYCO: "Oh it's not SHIT... I mean... this is bloody good ping this y'know..." etc. etc. adlib REVIEW. FADE INT. OFFICE DESK. DAY PRODUCER OOS: "How do you make money?" PHYCO: "Erm... well in terms of funding..." CASPER [reading porn]: "We don't" PHYCO [recovering]: "Well we're an Independent Body... which means we're not simply a corporate marketing puppet for some... big...invisible controlling multinational brand... we make our money... like any other independent small business..." PROD: "How?" PHYCO: "On a week-to-week basis... we cover the overheads... pay the bills..." CASPER's mobile phone rings... he gets up... PHYCO: [Casper? Glances] "... and... errr... Casper makes a few quid, y'know..." CASPER [Focus in/out CASPER looking out of the window, on mobile, in background]: "Ello?! Yeah... alright... how much? Just the one... And what about the other? Two of them yeah... alright... I'll drop it over later... yeah no worries... Oh yeah it's well alright... straight of the rock mate... yeah... laters..." PHYCO [over Casper's dealings]: "Shall I show you the rest of the week's jobs then?" New DVD's, big rubber cock etc. in a box. FADE TITLE CARD: "CASPER" **VT 2 START** INT. OFFICE. DAY CASPER and PHYCO talking about the "Cum Bong" as urban myth. 3 days later: "We've only fucking made one!" and they produces it proudly. PHYCO Takes a thick bubbly hit of green. CASPER tips it over his head. **VT 2 END** TITLE CARD: "HORNY HOUSEWIVES 4" "STRAND PRODUCTIONS 2002" "80 Minutes Starring XXX" FADE INT. OFFICE DESK. NIGHT They do this pre-prepared review from their desk PHYCO: "So the brand new "Casper season" opens tonight... you gotta be proud eh?" CASPER: "Oh now THIS is what I call palm food!" etc. etc. from script **VT 3 START** INT. TATTOO STUDIO. DAY BIG WILSON'S tattoo studio. CASPER tat's PHYCO "Porno" "Now THAT'S passion" etc. **VT 3 END** INT. OFFICE DESK. NIGHT PHYCO: "Coming next week - clocking the shittest porno movies EVER MADE, as we expose the dead herrings in the net the better you might give them a miss..." CASPER: "Erm... I'm going to change my name to San Fernando and move to LA to join a precious metal band..." PHYCO: "Until the next time..." CASPER [ to PHYCO]: "...How about a bit of that?" CASPER & PHYCO [flick and points to camera]: "Have a nice wank" FADE VIDEO: WESTY'S COCK [Beastie Boys - "Girls"] END TITLES TICKER FART... CLOSE TITLE CARD: An IPR Production 2002 FADE [REPRISE] INT. OFFICE. NIGHT CASPER & PHYCO chatting informally with the crew. Adlib... Punchline... TITLE CARD: (c) Casper & Phyco - All rights reserved LONDON TITLE CARD: www.casper-and-phyco.com --- CASPER & PHYCO - PILOT ---> Title and generic intro sequence [40 seconds] 1. INT.CARAVAN.EVENING Camera glitch... Action! Phyco is dressed as a country gent... PHYCO: "Ahem! Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to this - the first in the series of Casper and Phyco's Independent Pornography Review... and what a splendid spread of five finger fare we have for you this night with a whole range of top shelf tugging butter for the more - informed consumer of visually assisted relief - Amateur classics from the UK's own... harder-than-hardcore stateside nasties and all the big budget blockbusters with the A-list superstars currently topping the-" He is punched visciously from the side - CASPER grabs the script from which PHYCO is reading CASPER: "Give me that... what the fuck are you talking about you 'orrible little turd?! Just get the telly working... dressed up like a fucking ponce..." He peers close-up into the camera lens - PHYCO is recovering himself - annoyed and bleeding CASPER [in the CAMERA's face]: "WIVES... that's what we'll be watching tonight... WIVES... and don't you forget it..." [to PHYCO] "fucking big-budget bullshit... i'll give you big budget..." Violence... camera glitch... black screen... music... TITLE: "Casper & Phyco... Proudly present... THE INDEPENDENT PORN REVIEW" 2. EXT.CARAVAN.DAY CASPER is under the caravan fixing the wire... PHYCO is pacing up and down stepping over his legs as he does so... PHYCO: "...thuswise will the Million Pound Wank secure our future finances... we persuade our viewers to each donate a nominal sum... lets say - five pounds... into the spank tank... when it reaches 5 grand - we buy a second hand jag... when it reaches 10 grand - we buy a new caravan... and when it reached a <i>million</i> - we go and live in <i>Spain</i>...!" CASPER OOS: "When will we be on David Lettermen?" PHYCO: "Eh?" CASPER OOS: "When will we be on David Letterman? I want to be on David Lettermen..." PHYCO [ignoring CASPER]: "...the press will get hold of the Million Pound Wank and that'll be the real passport to success... it'll be like the Blue Peter bring-and-buy days... everybody in the country splashing their cash into the custard fund like it was a national duty... jesus man - we're going to be minted within a matter of weeks... Jag... Caravan... Spain... magic..." CASPER [coming up]: "Right I think that's fixed... now... what did Wogan say?" PHYCO: "Wogan?" CASPER: "I told you to get in touch with Terry Wogan... what did he say?" PHYCO: "I didn't get in touch with him..." CASPER: "I hope you're joking... how the fuck are we supposed to get a radio show if Terry Wogan doesn't even know about us?!" PHYCO: "But we've got our own telly program Casper... we don't need Terry bloody Wogan... we've got our own fucking program... look..." PHYCO acknowledges the CREW who respond feebly CASPER: "You might have pal... but I've got me heart set on Radio... so get in there and tell Terry fucking Wogan we want to have a word with him... alright?" In PHYCO goes... full of frustration... ---> Review 1 [7 minutes] 3. INT.CARAVAN.DAY Casper's lounging dispondently on the couch watching filth... PHYCO's anxious... PHYCO: "OK what are we reviewing today?" CASPER: "eh..." PHYCO: "What are we reviewing today? Can we do that new Anabolic Initiations number from Vince Voyeurs mob?" CASPER: "eh..." PHYCO: "Anabolic Initiations 6... Casper?... Casper?" CASPER: "eh..." PHYCO: "What are we reviewing today?" CASPER: "Amateur wives..." PHYCO: "But that's all we ever review man... what about Anabolic Initiations 6?" CASPER: "FUCK Anabolic Initiations 6... we're doing wives..." PHYCO: "Oh for fucks sake... can't we-" Threatening glance from Casper... Black screen... TITLE: "BRITISH AMATEURS VOLUME 1 [UK AM Productions] - 120 Minutes Starring Bob, Shakina and July" 4. INT.CARAVAN.DAY Face on PHYCO [head and shoulders] sitting on the couch PHYCO: "Out in the woods, in the travel tavern, the motel bathroom, a 3 bed semi, 2 up 2 down lounge - all those magnificent British environments that seem so far removed from the majority of stateside sets with which we tend to identify contemporary gruff. Natural light and natural sound: Pure home-cam moods with a penchant for frantic angles covering all the standard manoeuvres and a number of amusing acrobatic variations here - but with a difference - the popshots are unusually intimate, with some real greasy *animal* internals and all those enevitable gloppy results in cold, stark, light-of-day revelation... never before has the protein looked so... "organic", almost too real at times. Not so much here for the facially obsessed but some good barefoot stock and a LOT in the way of vocal delights as our UK ladies attitude it up in the best possible way "oh fuck... it's in me hair... it's in me fuckin' eye... good shot tho' - right up me fuckin' nostril..." etc. splendid dialogue throughout, although some odd spoken hilarity when things get too hot from the wood... this might be due to "British Reserve" inspiring OTT candid voxpops with which to wash over the steamier moments "Eine commen! Eine commen!" where things are bound to find a more focal form as the UK scene settles..." CASPER OOS: "Hang on a minute - this IS amateur..." PHYCO: "...into generically organised subtlety... who knows - maybe this series will evolve into the "Carry Ons" of cockflicks, but something tells me the real strength here is in the uncompromising "working class" vigour of that Brit "mood". This somewhat muted wood really demonstrates the contrast between "us and them" with regard to the Italian/US style dicksmiths. In total this honest, pioneering, raw footage of fucking Anglos proves valuable five finger fare that serves to remind us of a few home truths: Britain does have a long way to go to catch up with the rest of the considerably less inhibited worlds XXX, but with eye catching no-nonsense gritcore like this to set the standards - our future looks promising. So it's back-to-back frontside basics - no anal here - with all-in-one eiderdowns..." CASPER OOS: "That's my territory... leave it..." PHYCO: "...and strong UK talent calling the shots for the new wave of Imperial grumble. Readers of Paul Raymonds "Razzle" will no doubt know and love the "You Lucky Fucker" and "Take My Wife" spreads - well this is it in full uncensored hardline moving image glory... awful on the eye - teeth grittingly pretty on the boil... Watching this stuff inspires a swollen pride akin to watching an England Cup-Final..." PHYCO: "...all stand for The National Anthem, British Buff is coming home!" Phyco turns to CASPER as per CASPER: "As far as i'm concerned this is as good as it gets... so far... Now this might not be everyone's cup of tea, but if you thrive on the "grit 'n grain" that is indicative of the Casperian world of porn this is your fucking banana. There's something so much more real this being BRITISH amateur porn - NO FUCKING ACTING INVOLVED! Those two birds at the start - Magic! It was all cigarette breath and spotty arses. She actually passed her cigarette to her mate while she gobbled that ridiculous bloke wearing only a pair of very shiny white Reeboks - its so fucking English! Then the pop shot up her nose! She only gets the bleedin' hump and admits on camera that "she doesn't do this kind of porn usually" and "isn't used to pop shots in the face, EVEN WITH HER BOYFRIEND"!! The first scene was aurally stunning, shrouded in the finest music - motorway traffic in the distance - far superior to the techno musak of the "anabolic diabolic" realcore range. The second scene was of less note. It was still brilliant and "real", but almost too real, less vocal and more intimate... like a real couple "shagging"... like... watching your Mum and Dad... However, it all adds up to the best - and most honest - amateur stuff I've ever had the pleasure to view. Lets have more of this!!" PAUSE PHYCO OOS: "What's your Bogroll Score then son?" CASPER: "Me what?" PHYCO OOS: "Your Bogroll Score?" CASPER: "Never heard of it" PHYCO: "The bogroll rating... we select how many out of 7 bogrolls we think the film deserves..." CASPER: "Why?" PHYCO: "For fucks sake Casper it's a fucking telly program - you have this sort of shit..." CASPER: "Alright... One bogroll..." PHYCO: "But you fucking LOVE it man... surely it gets... six... or even <i>seven</i> bogrolls??" CASPER: "7 bogrolls then... There's nothing left for me after this..." PHYCO [Exhausted]: "...and 6 bogrolls from me... a high scoring champion indeed from UK AM Productions... nice work..." CASPER: "So where's me bogrolls?" PHYCO: "For fucks sake..." FADE TO BLACK... TITLE/SCORE GRAPHIC: "C&P score for "BRITISH AMATEURS VOLUME 1" - 13 bogrolls" ---> "CASPER & PHYCO THE MOVIE" part 1 of a series [6 minutes] 5. INT.CARAVAN.DAY CASPER & PHYCO are half-dressed in black suits CASPER: "I am wearing the fucking gun... alright?!" PHYCO: "You always fuckin..." [sulk] CASPER: "You can carry the spliff..." [passing BIG joint and then strapping on and posing with large black replica firearm] PHYCO: [puffing] "...right... so we're gonna do an "action" introduction bit... like the old Golden Age of Porno storyline things - y'know... "Boogie Nights"... a sort of James Bondy... The saint running over a rooftop... Knight Ridery kinda... [to CAMERA] <i>okay</i>??" Awkward pauses all round... camera glances... PHYCO: "Go on then!" CASPER: "What?!" PHYCO: "Well.. c'mon..." [weak Kung Fu moves... DANAH! etc.] CASPER: "Are you taking the fucking piss?! [to camera] Is he...?" PHYCO: "Casper?!" CASPER suddenly draws and fires 6 shots at close range to PHYCO's face in a very Joe Pesci style - PHYCO takes the cue instantly and dramatically effects being shot and falls dead... pause... peeks... camera?... gets up... PHYCO [Very serious - to CAMERA]: "You get that?" CAMERA: "um... yeah..." CASPER: "so... where's the birds then?" PHYCO: "C'mon we'll be late..." 6. EXT.CARPARK.DAY C&P are sitting in the car... a lot of skunk smoking/choking etc... our CAMERAMAN is in the back seat... PHYCO: "...simple as that... we know what we're looking for... we know what we want... know what we like... we're gonna do it for ourselves" CASPER: "Right - so who is this geezer again?" PHYCO: "Jimmy Jizz... he's our woodsman..." CASPER: "And we're supposed to be...?" PHYCO: "We're Casper and fucking Phyco from the Independent Porn Review man!" CASPER: "So... Where are we?" PHYCO: "Camden Tescos... meeting Jimmy Jizz... who's our woodsman..." CASPER: "Right... and he's willing to let... you... film him... havin' it off... on video??" PHYCO: "...well... erm..." CASPER: "Dirty little cunt" PHYCO: "well... he says he's up for it so... we advertise now on the website for a bird to do a scene with him... put a clip of him challenging the porn world to a bout... y'know... then we produce... package it all up... nice branding... nice and easy... million pound son... million pound..." CASPER [very seriously]: "I want cheap cigarettes on the bed side table - all in one patterned eiderdowns - shaded table lamps - digital clock radios - collectors plates on the walls - clearly visible video collections - family photo's on the mantlepiece - knock-at-the-door-panicking - old cups of tea - " PHYCO: "...e'are... this is him..." They get out - black suits - all very cool until PHYCO: "JIZZ-AHS!!?" CASPER [gangster]: "Alright son??!" PHYCO [hypomanic]: "Casper! This is Jimmy Jizz! he'll be putting up cock for us in the first of "C&P's Original Cuts"... think you can take the heat Jizz??" [comic jab/uppercut etc.] CASPER is suspicious and overbearing - doing a very good Dave Courtney... PHYCO is being a terrible cunt Later PHYCO: "Right! Shall we... errr... get this *screentest* done then... Sonny Jim? The... screentest... for the camera... website... challenge..." JIMMY JIZZ: "Fuck off... What do you want me to do?" PHYCO [To camera]: "well... y'know..." JIMMY JIZZ: "If you think i'm fucking... having a wank in front of you lot" PHYCO: "Nah Nah Nah!" JIMMY JIZZ: "you can fuck-off mate... your takin' the piss..." PHYCO: "No Jesus! I wasn't suggesting that you... um... Casper?! Oh I don't fucking know do I?! What are we fucking meant to be doing?!" EDIT - Camera view from the backseat of the car - CASPER, PHYCO and JIMMY JIZZ are outside arguing fiercely... later... C&P get in the car... PHYCO [insane]: "Well I think that went well!" CASPER: "...slag gets his fucking cock out in front of me... I'll fucking pan him I tell you..." PHYCO in utter despair CASPER [relights]: "Right... so when do we meet the Doris?" Kangaroo start... fade to black... ---> Review 2 [7 minutes] 7. INT.CARAVAN.DAY PHYCO: "The thing is... I've watched nothing else mate... I can't get off it... I feel... like I'm fucking addicted... i mean... I dunno what to do... you know?" CASPER puts his hand on PHYCO's knee... PHYCO becomes comforted... CASPER: "Phyco?" PHYCO: "Yes?" CASPER: "It's fucking SHIT son... you're a wanker..." CASPER palms off PHYCO's face and moves out of shot PHYCO: "Eh?" CASPER OSS: "WIVES... we want OLD... BRITISH... WIVES... not these... these..." fade to TITLE: ANABOLIC INITIATIONS 5 [Anabolic Video] 120 Minutes Starring XXX PHYCO: "Chocolate eating piglets with round smooth bellies, chubby faces - flushed cheeks and trotters... mmmmm..." CASPER OOS: "we want DOGS!" PHYCO: "...an enevitable classic... can there be any doubt as to the Anabolic collective's total and complete dominance of the dicking-pic' woodpile? I mean - "Initiations 4" nearly put us out of business what with my hopeless pathalogical inability to consume any other fare for so long - and now the only title to tip the pop-top is in the shape of its logical son and heir "Volume 5"... Once again the delivery is impeccable - when it comes to camera work the big V [Vince Voyeur] is the daddy - all the best things in life: Pile-driving anal... Down-the-hatch facials... Pretty-as-a-picture teenies doing no-frills hard sets with no plastic tits or fancy drawers and no story line clutter [Our fascination with Hollywood feature lengths was predictably short lived]... Just the cutest fresh faced young scamps getting put through the paces by those tyranical dogs the Anabolic Initiation Squad... unbeatable beats from the kings of conk - my god if it's not as good as it gets! The boys just know exactly how to play it cool - definitive woodwork from master cocksmiths... Look out for that sensational rusky Claudia Adkins bolstering her trademark harder-hardcore with some quite charming cam-chat... a lovely closing credits interview - she's fucking brilliant... If you're in need of boys-own hardened sport porn then... pick up an Anabolic title... there's a whole range of specialised titles in the line [although "Initiations" is best for a cross-section selection of genres] running along the same main vein and they're all widely available from any good bell-mongers priced £19.99 or a tenner for swaps if you live in the city... or... "whatever" off some mailorder company we can't be bothered to research properly... Phyco's "Three parts Elbow Grease to one part antiseptic healing creme" score 6" CASPER: "Initi-bloody-ations my eye. It's too easy... these birds could do it in their sleep! It's got to be an effort. Faint heart never won fair cock. It's not a trick love, it's your bloody A and O levels. We've got Vincey givin' it the large one - trying to intimidate the girls and they look like he ain't got nothing that would even raise their pulse! I remember once I went to a party... and at about 4 0'clock in the morning... I crept into a room... there was a T.V. and video... well of course I've pressed play and low and behold! there's Mr Perry doing the business outside McDonalds in North Finchley! Anyway I pressed eject... and stuffed the item down my trousers... made my excuses and caught the nightbus home more excited than a junkie with a sack of smack... ...got home and put it on - and the picture was a bit shit - but this bird is trying to pass her A level, and all of a sudden - she lets out a scream as it all proves too much and the film quickly edited to a new scene... FUCKING MAGIC! Soon after that the tape snapped as did my banjo string... Anyway... KEEP IT REAL or don't bother. In my opinion - we need a "mature" season. Casper's "Platinum Amex between the buttocks" score 2" ANABOLIC INITIATIONS 4 [Anabolic Video] 120 Minutes Starring XXX PHYCO: ""It takes a rare and special breed of slut to work for Anabolic!" declares the box cover - which we've placed a picture of above as usual even though our one looked different - so I've also included the back cover, an unusual move - inspired by the knee trembling effect of the key reverse packaging photo and the fact that "it was there" when I pinched the [wrong] front cover image from another site. But just look at those eyes! That's what "Anabolic" are all about... hard rude-core starring beaming braces of cheeky peach kittens keen as fucking vinegar to jump on the wrecking-deck and get their little holes packed by the Anabolic house-crew of hardened cocksmiths - first class gunslingers shooting it out with tough young training squaws - absolutely fucking magic... if that's your bag - then this is your polish! "Anabolic has commissioned Vince Vouyer to search for cum-eating, cock-worshipping, ass-stretched, nymphomaniac, fresh attractive, young ladies who might have what it takes to become a star for Anabolic Video Productions." Love 'em... ...grinning scamps riding the rodeo bones with such eager zeal - it makes you want to clap!! Such sincere determination of spirit... setting admirable standards of quality for aesthetic hardcore in fresh faced fancy fare that sports all the visual Anabolic signatures one has come to expect: rude core moods, pretty young rounded American girls - all nude, intimidating teams of wolfish wood and explicit no-frills set pieces... you really can't go wrong with this brand - superb. Oh, and if the sight of an 18 year old newcomer-bunny "falling to fits of tears after a dose of anal proves too upsetting" seems a little bit too "painful" for you to deal with, given her pretty-as-a-picture pink-cheeked look of total despair - fret not! You'll only need to go so far as "Down the hatch" [see the archive] to see her doing a rough, practised arse-to-mouth workout set and guzzling bowel dipped salt-pop like a pro'... so it goes to show: "it's all a matter of what you're used to". There's going to need to be a lot more Anabolic materials doing the rounds in this house in the near future thankyou very much! Pay them a visit - go on - you've got nothing to lose: This one came from the Harmony shop [outside Tottenham Court Road tube] central London... 20 quid, they operate the usual "swap it for a tenner" deal, have a good selection to choose from and operate an easy going floor policy... ie. your bird won't feel too intimidated in here buying you a nice new slag vid for your christmas present... Phyco's "what if it was your daughter?!" score: 7 CASPER: "So the Casper season is over and we're right back at ya with an helping of Anabolic/Diabolic. Oh the nostalgia! That green hue that permeated every dimension of the picture on the screen, the no nonsense approach of "Vincey Boy" and the pseudo-exploitation of beautiful young girls. Not specialised enough for me, but (I do what I can) the girls are well up for it, blindfolded and given a no frills seeing too including some great A N'O... "You are the weakest link - goodbye" is replaced by "FAILED" in this contrived initiation ceremony. In fact - the birds are filthy and if you like "gonzo friendly" straight to the point hard sex, this is the vid for you. These boys always pull it out of the bag with their business-like approach. On a tangent... It was an absolute travesty of justice that Billingham didn't win the Turner prize last night! Points to note: Madonna still relying on shock value to boost her ever-waning career and Billingham himself exposed as a pretentious twat. Big fan of his work, don't like his attitude: Look "Billers" don't give it the large one about your work... don't pretend your work is not primarily for shock value with a genius's attention to detail on closer inspection... Don't tell us you're upset that people only see the "grit and horror" in these pictures whilst you maintain there is so much beauty beneath to be seen... why then, take a picture of Ray falling out of his dirty armchair pissed out of his head? when surely you could take a less... "shocking" picture and this raw beauty you speak of would shine through irrespective of his physical and mental state. Don't try and intellectualize your work with your bullshit artsy fartsy rhetoric. Your work is genius, undeniably, but for the obvious reasons that you deem too crass. What's the matter mate?...scared you might not win?" PHYCO OOS: "Bogroll score please!" CASPER: "Distracted - and creeping around in the leaves... scores 3..." CASPER: "I've been watching that ol' British Amateurs again..." PHYCO: "You find anything new in it?" CASPER: "That Shakina only farts... and blondie - her mate - I swear to fucking god - goes "Cor, I can smell that from 'ere!"!!!!!" PHYCO: "Fuck me! Now that's British!" CASPER: "I swear, I could smell it..." PHYCO: "Lovely..." CASPER: "I think I'm essentially a horrible little peeping tom y'know" PHYCO: "Oh well that's lovely that is innit... really Casper" CASPER: "Can you get "Peeping Wives"?" PHYCO: "What? A video of a readers wife peeking back at you having a wank? Are you fuckin' mad?" CASPER: "mmm... got... to be... something... out there..." ---> Outro sequence [2 minutes] 8. INT.CARAVAN.DAY BANG at the door - It's WESTY... WESTY: "Cor fuck me whas that smell??" PHYCO: "Ermm.." WESTY: "Smells like a fucking... Electric Eel" Camera focuses on a waste-paper basket overflowing with tissues and wall-paper paste PHYCO: "I've just made a pot... i'll get you a cup..." WESTY: "You two... fucking hell... like a pair of horrible little fucking tramps living in this shit hole..." PHYCO [with tea]: "E'are..." WESTY: "Ta... [WESTY drinks] Ooo!... Whas this shit?" PHYCO: "It's Earl Grey" WESTY: "Tastes like a rose pissed in it" PHYCO: "Yeah - it's posh tea... So! What are you after then my good man? What can I do you for... will it be Wives or Teens?" WESTY: "I wouldn't mind but it's like drinking a fucking flower..." PHYCO: "I can heartily recommend this new Anabolic number - it's a strong flavoured scorcher with- " WESTY: "oh you horrible cunt... this is absolute shit this is... it's got fucking perfume in it" PHYCO: "Erm... Do you just want to take something with you then? I mean - what are you after? Westy?" WESTY: "What does Casper drink? He don't drink poofs tea does he?" [Thinking out loud and looking around] "He must have his own stash hidden away... cheeky little fucker..." PHYCO: "Look - I'm giving you a free pick from the shelf here man..." WESTY [drinking the tea]: "Oooph! That is the worst tea... fucking hell... this is killing me this is..." PHYCO: "HELLO? " WESTY: "Je-sus-fucking-christ... Ooo... [WESTY finishes the cup] Oh I'm glad that's over... fuck me... that was awful... like fucking air-freshener-flavoured tea... shall we watch Gladiator then?" FADE... ---> Generic credits [40 seconds] WESTY's "COCK DANCE" footage in the manner of a skateboarding video... white name... D.O.G etc... FADE TO BLACK CREDITS www.casper-and-phyco.com ----------------------------------------------------------------- (c) 2002 Frederick Brighton and Jonny Reckon for C&P I.U.T |
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