PORN REVIEW HISTORY: THE ORIGINAL ARCHIVE PAGE
Casper & Phyco's IPR EPISODES 1-64
UPDATE: ALL THE OLD REVIEWS NOW ONLINE HERE!
Episode 1: Video - "My First Time" [Private]
Casper: "What is Gonzo?"
Phyco: "Y'know..."Real-core"... not narrative"
Casper: "I only want Gonzo... Is it grainy?"
Phyco: "It can be... It..."
Casper: "Like when I could see the price label on the bottom of her shoe?"
Phyco: "Thas' the sort of stuff."
Casper: "Go and get that."
Phyco: [Sigh]
Episode 2: Bootleg - Sodomania 24 [Elegant Angel]
Casper [suspicious]: "Whas going on?"
Phyco: "This is the new website man... new graphics and everything look..."
Casper [suspicious]: "Fuckin'ell... I dunno if I like the sound of all this..."
Episode 4: Video - Ben Dover - Kinky Ladies of London [Odyssey]
Episode 3: Video - Buttman's Toy Stories [Evil Angel]
Phyco: "We can't have banners all over the site... it's everything that we stand against..."
Casper: "When will I be on David Letterman?"
Episode 6: Video - Call Girl [Private]
Episode 5: Bootleg - Nineteen Vol. 27 [Dane Productions]
Phyco: "Casper, if you read the reviews, take notice of what the film is and look into the details, you'll know what their names are and..."
Casper: "Not interested."
Phyco: [Sigh]
Casper: "What was her name?"
Phyco: "It was..."
Casper: "Oh I can't be giving them an individual mention... I'm too important..."
Episode 8: Video - Buttman & Rocco go to Montreal [Evil Angel]
Episode 7: Video - The Tower [Private]
Casper: "I wanna know what kind of fags she smokes"
Phyco: "You're fucking weird man..."
Casper: "Ssssshhhh... I'm working"
Episode 10: Video - [Not] The Best of Buttman
Episode 9: Video - Buttman & Rocco's Brazillian Buttfest [Evil Angel]
Phyco: "Casper? you have been reading my reviews haven't you?"
Casper: "No."
Phyco: "Well - you've got to keep up on the current "climate of opinion" on the site y'know?"
Casper: "I don't want to look at the website - I want to wank."
Episode 11: Video - Nice Rack #4 [Anabolic]
Casper: "We're a "portal""
Phyco: "No... we're more of a "magazine""
Casper: "What's a portal?"
Phyco: "A kind of organised, specialist link site which -"
Casper: "We've got links - we're a portal"
Phyco: [Sigh]
Casper [very proud]: "We have links to our reviews on our porn portal"
Phyco: "I give up..."
Casper: "Don't give up... our portal's coming on lovely..."
Episode 12: Video - Down The Hatch #4 [Diabolic]
Phyco: "You always forget to put your bogroll rating when you do your bit"
Casper: "Look lets get this straight - you are NEVER going to get that off me..."
Episode 13: Bootleg - Early "Penthouse"[?] Rocco
Casper: "I think I'm essentially a horrible little peeping tom"
Phyco: "Oh well that's lovely that is innit... really"
Episode 14: Vintage Special - Deep Throat, Debbie Does Dallas, The Devil in Miss Jones [Hot Rod Gold]
Casper: "Can you get "Peeping Wives"?"
Phyco: "What?! A video of a readers wife peeking back at you having a wank? Are you mad?"
Casper: "mmm... got... to be... something... out there..."
Episode 15: Video - British Amateur Video
[Mobile phone ringing]
Phyco: "Hello?"
Casper [highly agitated]: "What are we gonna do?"
Phyco: "What about? Whassup?"
Casper: "Well... now that the site's finished?"
Phyco: "What the fuck are you talking about??!"
Casper: "The "British Amateur Video"... We can't do any more after that... its... its..."
Phyco: "You really liked it then?"
Casper: "Oh Jesus I've gotta go back for more..."
[Phone goes dead]
Episode 16: Special - Canada Report... Video - Nasty Team Players 2 [STP Productions]
Casper: "What's our catchphrase?"
Phyco: "To truly know man, one must observe his masturbating."
Casper: "Fuck off, what is it?"
Phyco: "I didn't know we had one?"
Casper: "Thought-of-it-on-the-swings-"
Phyco: "oh... Hard Graft & Elbow Grease"
Casper: "That's what we should call ourselves!"
Phyco: "But we've got names?"
Casper: "We've gotta go more undercover... I won't be able to handle it when my mum finds out... oh I've gone too far..."
Phyco: "Skin up for fucks sake"
Casper: "Mmmmm... Where's that horrible old wives catalogue?"
Episode 17: Video - Buttmans Early Scenes With Rocco [Evil Empire]
UPDATE: ALL THE OLD REVIEWS NOW ONLINE HERE!
We caught up with British legend Ben Dover
at the "Erotic Oscars 2001" on Saturday night:
[Ben's sitting down licking his wife Linzi's toes]
Phyco [shameless fawning]: Mr Perry! it really is an absolute privilege...
[Ben stands up and shakes hand]
Phyco: We've been writing about your work for years... it really is an-
Ben Dover: I've been doing it for bleedin' years!
Phyco: And may I say so very well sir... it's a real-
Ben Dover: Who are you?
Phyco: I'm Phyco of "Casper & Phyco's UK Independent Porn Review"
Ben Dover [none the wiser]: Oh...
Phyco: Can I ask - is it true that Staglianno gave you the incentive to start the Ben Dover gonzo game?
Ben Dover: I was with Private at the time and things weren't working out...
I was doing Buttman in London and John suggested I be his "cousin in the UK"...
Phyco: Oh and that's exactly what it's like!
[Ben looks put off by the relentless sycophancy and turns his attentions to an arbitrary passer-by]
Episode 18: Video - White Trash Whore 16 [Hot Rod Raw]
Phyco:"Watching the current UK scene develop socially - in terms of its brand-identity, and evolve commercially - in terms of its existing and progressive markets, is like watching paint dry to be bitterly honest."
Casper: "What are we going to say when we're on Wogan?"
Phyco: "We of Great Britain should be seeing specialised overground customer-friendly competitive XXX rentals in any town that sounds a demand for it."
Casper: "I wonder if we'll get a record deal..."
Phyco: "We should be talking about home-grown British talent scoring mainstream exposure via UK based cable programmes and high profile targeted marketing from the adult industries."
Casper: "Do you think we'll get a Prince of Wales Lottery grant?"
Phyco: "We are living in the gutter here... repressed victims of an archaic paternal christian uptight prude state of mind born of a thousand years of inbred stultifying ignorance and complacency from the weak uninformed consumer unwittingly exploiting the worker via the perpetuation of "middle class" social conditioning."
Casper: "Can you buy new remote controls for videos?"
Phyco: "Demand your rights! Battle relentlessly for freedom! Destigmatize the adult economy! Bring home the porn... And WANK! for you may never know peace."
Casper: "I'm hungry..."
Episode 19: Product - Elbow Grease [spankie.com]
We caught up with the BBFC at the London ECTS show.
While the R18 rating looks set to revolutionise the UK scruff scene,
we were told that the "flood gates are not open yet" so it's gonna be a slow crawl forward for the time being.
The PR heads we spoke to seemed open enough to our arguments for a "destigmatized adult economic channel in the UK."
We'll see - but the R18 certificate is certainly the primer for the enevitable explosion in the British porn markets...
Onward and upward.
Episode 20: Special - Tera Patrick Interview... Video - Island Fever [Digital Playground]
Phyco: "There's loads of bills and stuff by the front door..."
Casper: "mmmm... i've seen 'em"
Phyco: "What are we gonna do when the electricity gets turned off?"
Casper: "Get the mags out..."
Casper: "You been up there having a fancy wank?"
Phyco: "Ummm..."
Casper: "You've been using that shit aint ya?"
Phyco: "Errr..."
Casper: "NO! That's shit that stuff... you should ONLY dry wank... on a cut cock..."
Phyco: "Too dangerous"
Casper: "But it's a prison wank... and it's the only way..."
Episode 22: Video - Shameless Desires [Hot Rod Blue]
Casper: "I've been watching that ol' British Amateurs again..."
Phyco: "You find anything new in it?"
Casper: "That Shakina only farts... and blondie - her mate - I swear to fucking god - goes "Cor, I can smell that from 'ere!"!!!!!"
Phyco: "Fuck me! Now that's British!
Casper: "I swear, I could smell it..."
Episode 21: Video - North Pole 16 [Hot Rod Raw]
Phyco: "I'm sick of it.. it's all boring!"
Casper: "I got something off Shameless Desires earlier..."
Phyco: "Yeah... i've been looking at that... shall we review it?"
Casper: "I can't... I'll look like a hypocrite... after all I've said!"
Phyco [whisper]: "Let's keep quiet about it then..."
Casper: "Does this mean we're in a backlash already?!"
Phyco: "Oh man... we're gonna start watching Private videos again!"
Casper [in the voice of Ben Dover]: "Oh... God!"
Episode 23: Video - Ben Dover's Dirty Blondes
Casper: "Is it a portal yet?"
Phyco: "No"
Casper: "Shit! I was convinced it was..."
Phyco: "Well... it's not..."
Casper: "mmmmm... Are you sure?"
Phyco: "I see old "Dennis Nilsen" is campaigning for the rights of men to have access to porn in prison..."
Casper: "Well... we'll help him out won't we?!"
Phyco: "Yeah... but it'll be gay porn he's after, aye?"
Casper: "Well I haven't got any *Gay Porn*...!"
Phyco: "I know - but he won't want what we've got will he? He's fucking queer!"
Casper: "I'll send him a McCavity for a start - that'll keep him going..."
Phyco: "But what's the point in us sending him something he's not gonna use?!"
Casper: "He's in fucking jail! Whas he want? Blood?!"
Episode 24: Ubertugfest - Phil McCavity Fuck Truck/Wifewatcher UK Special Double Bill!
Phyco: "That Richard Billingham has been nominated for the Turner Prize..."
Casper: "Whas he been in?"
Phyco: "He's that bloke who did the photo's of his gritty house with the- "
Casper: "Oh shit! That thing at the art gallery?!"
Phyco: "Thas it"
Casper: "That was the most Gonzo thing we've ever scene.... can we review it?"
Phyco: "It's not exactly porn though is it?"
Casper: "There's nothing for me in Porn... I need something so much more than that..."
Phyco: "Like what?"
Casper: "Like horrible old cows... and crumbs on the kitchen lino..."
Phyco: "It's getting to the point where we have to go to the Tate Modern for a knee trembler"
Casper: "I got something off a Ken Loach video the other day"
Phyco: "God help us..."
UPDATE: ALL THE OLD REVIEWS NOW ONLINE HERE!
Episode 25: News - Casper and Phyco's Certificate of Qualification
Phyco: "The toilet's blocked up again - what do we do?"
Casper: "You... YOU... have to put your hand down there and drag it out..."
Phyco: "Oh fuck no"
Casper: "Yes! You have to drag it out... and then look at your fingernails... all the bangers-and-mash under your fingernails"
Phyco: "Are you fucking mental?"
Casper: "Right, I'm gonna do it! Get me the glove I'm gonna fucking DO IT!"
Phyco: "Oh jesus no... please..."
Casper: "I am going to put my hand down there and drag it out... get me the glove"
[He does it, Phyco takes a picture and then gags wretchedly]
Phyco: "Why are you like that?"
Casper [Laughing hysterically]
Phyco: [Weeping] "Why are you like that?"
Casper [Laughing hysterically]
Phyco: "This is too gritty..."
Casper: "There ain't no *porn* out there for us!!! It's just... not... edgy enough!!"
Phyco: "Oh we need a discovery man... we need some direction..."
Episode 28: Video - Jonni-Cam [A Him & Her Production]
Episode 27: Video - UK Girls [Strand Productions]
Episode 26: Video - Rude Girls [Hot Rod Raw]
Casper: "I've done it again!"
Phyco: "You've loafed up the bog?"
Casper: "I've blocked it..."
Phyco: "What do we do?!"
Casper: "Get the glove... beacause it's YOUR turn... this time YOU are going to do it..."
Phyco: "You're loosing it man... I can't do that..."
Casper: "Get that glove and geddupthem stairs!"
Phyco: "I'm terrified... it's far too real... I can't handle it..."
Casper: "Well you're gonna be handling a lot of it in about thirty seconds now get that glove on and get mulching!"
Phyco: "No way..."
Casper: "Weak... loser... sitting there at your computer like some techy speck head - get your fucking hand down that toilet you bitch..."
Phyco: "I'll do anything... please... anything..."
Casper: "I get the choice of reviewing material for the next month?"
Phyco: "Done"
[Casper does it again, Phyco takes a picture and then gags wretchedly]
Casper: "The Casper season is open"
Episode 29: Casper Special! [3 UK Videos and a telly program]
Casper: "She'd get it wouldn't she - Pauline Fowler"
Phyco: "No... she wouldn't"
Casper: "Oh she would get it - she is a U.K. wife y'know"
Phyco: "No she would... not"
Casper: "or more of a U.K. widow... I got something off a cartoon picture in Viz once... y'know... when the Fat Slags finishes with a saucy shot"
Phyco: "You're damaged son... damaged"
Casper: "Am I?"
Phyco: "Actually... I've had soming off that n'all - the little "single frame" X rated number you get every couple of months?"
Casper: "That's the fella!"
Episode 32: Video - Whack Attack 8 [Hot Rod Raw]
Episode 31: Video - Snoop Dogg's Doggystyle [Revolver]
Episode 30: Video - Initiations #4 [Anabolic]
Phyco: "Chocolate eating piglets with round smooth bellies, chubby faces - flushed cheeks and trotters... mmmmm..."
Casper: "Dogs."
Episode 33: Video - Adrenaline [Hot Rod Blue]
Casper: "Sorry to disturb you... Mr Winstone?"
Ray: "Oh... alright?"
Casper: "Can we get our picture with you?"
Ray: "Oh yeah... no worries, e'are..."
[Picture's taken - Phyco's in cardiac arrest]
Phyco: "Um... we're big fans Ray..."
Ray: "Um... yeah... thanks lads - much obliged"
[Awkward pause - Phyco's hyperventilating]
Casper: "Will you sign my boxing glove?"
Ray: "Yeah... look... give it'ere... there y'are..."
Phyco: "And my Nil by Mouth book?"
Ray: "C'mon... alright, thas it look..."
Casper: "Cor this is fucking magic this is aint it?!"
Phyco: "Ummmmm....."
Ray: "Alright?"
Phyco: "You're our favourite porn star Ray!"
[Ray looks to his manager with confusion]
Ray: "Err... I aint done any dirty movies boys..."
Phyco: "But we wank over you all the time!"
[Ray nervously backs away]
Casper: "Thanks Mr Winstone!"
[Casper stares at the autographed glove for "quite some time"]
Episode 35: Video - Anabolic Initiations 5 [Anabolic]
Episode 34: Westy
Westy: "Whas this shit?"
Phyco: "It's Earl Grey"
Westy: "Tastes like a rose pissed in it"
Phyco: "Yeah - it's posh tea... So! What are you after then my good man? What can I do you for... will it be Wives or Teens?"
Westy: "I wouldn't mind but it's like drinking a fucking flower..."
Phyco: "I can heartily recommend this new Anabolic number - it's a strong flavoured scorcher with- "
Westy: "oh you horrible cunt... this is absolute shit this is... it's got fucking perfume in it"
Phyco: "Erm... Do you just want to take something with you then? I mean - what are you after? Westy?"
Westy: "What does Casper drink? He don't drink poofs tea does he?" [Thinking out loud] "He must have his own stash upstairs... cheeky little fucker..."
Phyco: "Look - I'm giving you a free pick from the shelf here man..."
Westy: "Oooph! That is the worst tea... fucking hell... this is killing me this is..."
Phyco: "HELLO? "
Westy: "Je-sus-fucking-christ... Ooo... Oh I'm glad that's over... fuck me... that was awful... like fucking air-freshener-flavoured tea... shall we watch Gladiator then?"
Episode 38: Video - Nacho Vidal's Killer Pussy 4 [Hot Rod Raw]
Phyco: "Ummm... I've asked Devlin for one of their new Chicks-with-Dicks films Casper..."
Casper: "Oh god... what if I like it?!"
Episode 37: Video - Truckers [Hot Rod Raw]
Episode 36: News - The pole position knocking pop charts
Phyco: "How much is a second hand Jag?"
Casper: "Three an' alf grand!"
Phyco: "No! Come on a nice old second hand Jag"
Casper: "Ten grand!"
Phyco: "Ooo... no that's too posh that is... ten grand on a car"
Casper: "Five grand!"
Phyco: "Bingo... the Five Grand Wank it is then"
Casper [sniffing the air]: "Have you... been bathing in Dettol again?"
Episode 41: Video - Dirty Teens 3 [Bootleg]
Episode 40: Video - Violet Storm #2 [Devlin] PLUS the Phil McCavity interview
Episode 39: Video - Goddess [Hot Rod Blue]
Phyco's bonged unconscious in sunny Soho Square... a TV camera crew approaches...
Keith "Tin tin" Duffy [from "Boyzone"... and the posh version of "Big Brother"]: "Ex-coize me pal... but could yoi tell oss whad'd be da worzt ting yoid doi for a tousand pound??!"
Phyco: "Ughk??"...[the prospect of the £1k sinks in... he bolts upright]..."UH?!!"
Keith Duffy: "Oil pod-id loike dis... whad wouldnt ya doi for a tousand pound??"
Phyco: [on his knees... desparate...] "I'll do fucking anything for a grand Keith... you were my favourite... please... sweet-cheeses please i'll do any thing... just show me the money... please Keith... show... me... the... cash..."
Keith Duffy: "Lock... is jost a "screentest" man?! We haven't god any focking ack'chull money y'knoi??"
Phyco :"Oooowww you fucking bastard... oh for... fucks... sake... but i'll do anything... anything..."
Keith Duffy: "Lock... relax dere... wad da ya doi man?"
Phyco: "I'm a wanker... I'm a terrible... terrible... wanker..." [hands him a C&P business card]...
Keith Duffy: "Whads dis??! Parn??"
Phyco: "Parn?"
Keith Duffy: "Hard-Car-Parn?!"
Phyco: [sigh] "Hard-car-parn Keith... the full cock-up-cunt arse-to-mouth you-name-it they'll fuck it butt-banging package... or... y'know... that sort of thing... please Keith... finance the project... give us some money..."
Keith Duffy: "B'jeezus.... Hard Car Parn... y'mean... loike da GERMAN stoff?!"
Phyco slaps a "C&P - THE SEARCH" sticker on Keith's forehead and promptly passes out...
Episode 48: Video - Bring 'Um Young 3&4 [Anabolic]
Episode 47: Magazine - Razzle [Paul Raymond Publications]
Phyco: "So... errr... Casper... did you..."like it" then?"
Casper: "Nah... I tell you what I had one look at that Razzle and I knew... I aint meant to watch it... it's poofs porn pal... poofs porn..."
Phyco: "I errr... I burnt the tape anyway... can't have that sort of thing 'anging around... it errr... keeps you up at night... aye..."
Casper: "You fucking liked it! You little slag!"
Phyco: "No! Fuck off! I hated it.. same as you... ya cunt... anyway YOU fucking liked it! Went off with it the other afternoon!"
PHAM! etc. for +/- 3 days
Episode 46: Video - Gia Darling's Transsexual Heart Breakers 2 [Hot Rod Raw]
Casper: "Lets have a look through the rest of this new Hot Rod lot then..."
Phyco: "There's some good stuff in there..."
Casper: "Not much amateur stuff though eh? Ummm... Right! I'm off to work..."
Phyco: "Errr... what you got there son?"
Casper: "Lord of Arses"
Phyco: "Hang on a minute... the current job is the Trannie number Casper"
Casper: "Fuck off I'm not watching that on me own!"
Phyco: "You've got to... it's your duty..."
Casper: "I'll only watch that with you... heavily clothed... over a couple of cold beers... a large strong cigar... and an arm wrestle... otherwise... I may do something i'll regret..."
Episode 45: DVD - The Realm of the Senses [Argos films]
Episode 44: Event - Golden Jubilee Special/The Best of Electric Blue 5 & 7 [Electric Video]
Casper: "Where's our fucking transexuals video?"
Phyco: "Delays.... legalities..."
Casper: "What else have we got?"
Phyco: "Errrr... there's the..."
Casper: "Not fucking "MONDO EROTICA" son?! What's happening here?!"
Phyco [coyly]: "Bertolucci's The Key?"
Casper: "If we've run out... I'll..."
Phyco: "No! Cos... there's... y'know..."
Casper: "Sort it out! Get a notice up! Get on the fucking phone boy..."
Episode 43: Video - New Wave Hookers 6 [Hot Rod Blue]
Episode 42: Video - Watchers [Hot Rod Blue]
Episode 58: Video - Lubed 4 "Double Plugged" [Prime Time]
Phyco: "I woke up very late last night... and I got up and very quietly put me suit on... and crept outside... and just wandered around the East End... crying and chainsmoking reefers and swigging from a big bottle of Bud... I really think I'm losing it Casper..."
Casper: "You Bastard! that's so Patrick Bateman!!"
Phyco: "I know... and if I could have dragged a jellyfish back to the flat and micro-waved it... I would have done."
Episode 57: OFFICIAL NOTICE
Phyco's being very quiet...
Casper [unsympathetic]: "Whassup with you soft boy?"
Phyco [weakly]: "I can't take this anymore... I've gone and overdone it aint I... I'm sickened by porn son... I'm ill." [despairing] "It's disgusting"
Casper [craftily]: "Does this mean I get a Casper Season?"
Phyco bursts into tears
Episode 56: Video - Popshots [Diabolic]
Episode 55: Video - Hardcore Innocence #3 [Elegant Angel]
Episode 54: Bootleg - Buttman in Budapest [Evil Empire]
Phyco: "Bingo Casper! We're making our own telly program!"
Casper: "Excellent... do you think this will improve my chances of getting a runner's job?"
Episode 53: Video - The Harmony Hustler Special! [Hustler]
Episode 52: DVD - The Ben Dover British Special! [Route XX]
Episode 51: DVD - Pretty Little Asians Vol. 1 [Hot Rod/Route XX Asian]
C&P doing situps... black suits, no jackets, Casper holding Phyco's legs and wearing the gun in a shoulder holster...
PHYCO: "One thousand and... 'Unnnn...
One thousand and... 'Ooooo...
One thousand and... 'Eeeee...
One thousand and... 'Orrrr...
One thousand and... 'Ivvve..." etc.
Episode 50: Video - North Pole 18 [Hot Rod Raw] PLUS The Peter North Interview
Episode 49: Video - Debauchery 10 [Diabolic]
Episode 59: The death of the IPR as we know it...
Phyco: "I was thinking back to Diabolic's "Popshots" video the other night..."
Casper: "Yeah?"
Phyco: "...and with an average of 3 sack loads of white-wee expelled every 30 seconds - and with a total run time of 2 hours - that's six barrels a minute - multiplied by 120 minutes - that's 720 portions, averaging 10 cc's a shot (according to them seminal prog-popsters) so we're working with 7200 cc's - or just over seven litres of cockspit in total... easily enough to drown a cat..."
Casper: "Uuurgh!"
Phyco: "I know... it put me right off me cauliflower cheese."
Episode 61: DVD - Anal Office Cock-up [Relish] and even MORE Dogging
PHYCO [to camera]: "...you sweat your bollocks off for a couple of students with silly haircuts and goatee beards for two hours under them hot lights repeating everything three hundred times and then all they give you is half the money you were promised in the first place a cold cup of tea and a bloody headache. To top it off you get paid by cheque and then it turns out the program is never going to be shown anyway because all the stingy bastards were after was a few free tapes... nah man... we know the game when it comes to television... it aint worth the hassle..."
Episode 60: The DOGGING special!
Phyco's phone rings...
Phyco: "Hello?"
Casper: "I need to speak to you... how's your head?"
Phyco: "Fine... them pills you got me on have sorted me right out... I don't even watch porn anymore! I'm cured! Clean and untroubled! Whas 'appening with you then?"
Casper: "I've got problems... I think I need help"
Phyco: "You out of rock?"
Casper: "Nah nah nah... it's not that... I've been logging on to The Hun's Yellow Pages late at night..."
Phyco: "But you've always done that?"
Casper: "No... I mean all night, every night... I just can't stop... while you're sleeping like a baby with your nice new thoughts... I'm tearing myself to shreds..."
Phyco: "Well what are you looking at?"
Casper [in a whisper]: "Mature"
Phyco: "What?! You're breaking up?!"
Casper: "Mature pic's... very mature pic's..."
Phyco: "Euuuggh! Granny porn?!"
Casper: "I know... what am I gonna do?!"
Phyco: "Well, I can recommend a good psychiatrist?"
Casper: "Is she over 40?"
Phyco: "After finding Dogging... do you think normal porn will ever do it for us again?"
Casper: "I'm not in the slightest bit interested in porn now... Dogging has changed everything. It's all that I ever wanted... it's rude... it's REAL... and more importantly... it's fucking dodgy."
Episode 62: "EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY"
C&P are approached by a famous British documentary maker. They meet him and put on a fabulous performance on film, which impresses him no end...
PHYCO: "Like we said - just after some free tapes, the dirty old sod... they're all the same these TV people - all take and no give... yeah he didn't have a clue, proper muppett" etc. to camera.
Later, Casper & Phyco are watching the Awards on telly and same director collects the Bafta for a previous "best documentary". Their cameraman points out it's the same man and C&P remain very still and quiet for some time...
Episode 63: "The trouble with television"
PHYCO: "That thing "Pornography: The Musical" is on tonight... shall we watch it?"
CASPER: "Nah... that Brian Hill looked too much like Liam Neeson for my liking"
PHYCO: "It was a funny shoot that weren't it?"
CASPER: "He looked like a fucking Jedi Knight"
PHYCO: "Well we probably aint on it anyway... they always cut our bits out"
CASPER: "No... actually we will watch it... and i'll fucking review it... you wait..."
LATER THAT NIGHT...
CASPER [writing furiously on a napkin]: "BRIAN (UP) HILL (GARDENER)??? WHAT A LOAD OF OLD DROSS. TAKE A LEAF OUT OF GERVAIS' BOOK - QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD MATE. FELTHAM SINGS? Mmmm... MILDLY INTERESTING... MORE LIKE "FELTHAM-UP"... BUT THAT WASN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU WAS IT? NO... OVER THE FENCE AND ACROSS THE FIELD... STRAIGHT INTO A SUB-STANDARD DOCUMENTARY ABOUT OUR PORN - SOMETHING YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT - A FACT THAT BECAME PAINFULLY OBVIOUS AS YOUR POXY DOCUMENTARY DRAGGED ON. SO WE WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR COMMENT ON THE INDUSTRY EH? WELL I BEG TO DIFFER... YOUR PRODUCT WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR US!! LET ME SPELL IT OUT TO YOU PAL - YOU NEVER GOT YOUR FREE TAPE, AND C&P ARE TWO FRAPPUCCINO GRANDE'S UP. SO WHO'S LAUGHING NOW? AYE?!"
PHYCO [reading the napkin]: "He weren't that bad Casper"
CASPER: "FUCK'EM"