A CASPER & PHYCO FEATURE FILM SCRIPT
"KEEP ON DOGGING IN THE UK"
[INTRODUCTION]
CASPER: "Do you realise we've been sent over 6 boxes of DVD's and tapes in the last few weeks and we've said fuck all about any of them on here beacause they're all fucking shit? I want that dirty toenail at the end of the rainbow PHYCO. I want dead skin on the elbows, cigarette breath and an old ashtray on the bed... I wanna see what's in her scuffed old handbag and smell the cabbage boiling in the kitchen... I demand something REALLY real PHYCO... do you hear me? Because I mean it... there's fuck all in this lot for me..."
PHYCO: "Alright... alright... I see what I can find... where there's a will, CASPER... where there's a will..."
CASPER: "Where there's a will there's a bag of old porn mags dumped in the hedge by the embarrassed relatives of the deceased son... I'm telling you that I'm playing JR Ewing for the time being, and this pile of pap aint getting a look in till you hit jackpot... except maybe the Razzles... and that little Ben Dover mag... and Filthy Faith... and my British Amateurs tape... and all the Perverts Point of Views - for the flinches..."
[PART 1]
FADE IN
INT.OFFICE.DAY
PHYCO's at the computer.
PHYCO: "I think... I may... have something here CASPER!"
PHYCO starts clapping excitedly.
CASPER steams in taking over the computer.
PHYCO ushers him away.
PHYCO: "You don't know what you're doing... geddoff... Now look, we got this mail from a bloke called... "Fiesta69" asking if we knew where he could get a dogging video..."
CASPER: "Oh no! Not all that Dutch French euro shit with bloody dogs, and horses and eels and fucking chickens..."
PHYCO: "No no no... it's DOGGING... it's a whole scene man - a kind of offshoot from the swingers thing... but is the ultimate voyeurism..."
CASPER's very interested all of a sudden.
PHYCO: "Okay listen... there are certain *places* where you can go and *watch* people having it off in their cars *safe* in the knowledge that it as a *sanctioned* peep... ie. there are is a degree of *complicity* between the tom... the watcher... the DOG... and the performers... the showoffs... the STARS... you see?"
CASPER stands up and slips on his over coat swiping up his car keys.
CASPER: "Well come on... let's go"
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT.CAR.NIGHT
A lot of flapping map and tension/swearing.
CASPER: "Give me that fucking thing"
PHYCO's very uptight.
PHYCO: "Look, I told you, it's back there now turn around..."
Angry silence.
The sound of the indicator.
Headlights illuminate deserted lanes, woods and grass verges.
The car coasts up the lane... C&P are very attentive to the nothing outside. Electric energy.
PHYCO: "In here"
CASPER pulls in - the crunch of gravel, a lay-by, excited silence.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT.LAY-BY.NIGHT
It's very dark and quiet.
CASPER & PHYCO are surveying the ground.
CASPER: "Tissues"
PHYCO: "Well it's a start..."
They look about - peering into the darkness. A car passes at speed.
PHYCO: "Now... I think what can happen is, that people park up and go into the woods and... do their thing... while doggers creep around in the bushes peeking at them..."
CASPER ponders this intensely.
CASPER: "Yeah but where there's dogging - there must also be cars"
PHYCO: "Shall we go back to that car park then?"
CASPER: "Yeah..."
They get back into the car.
Engine... lights... woods...
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT.CAR.NIGHT
Sitting in the car smoking a spliff, in a car park, darkness and woods outside.
PHYCO [looking around]: "Now there's what? Eight... nine... cars here... I can't see any signals..."
CASPER: "Well what are you waiting for? Fucking fireworks?! that bloke next to us just flicked a fag out of his sunroof..."
PHYCO: "No man... there's a whole code... a language... a flash of the interior light means COME OVER... WATCH US..."
CASPER: "Well let's flick the interior light then"
CASPER quickly starts flashing the map reading light... PHYCO pounces on him in a panic...
PHYCO: "No No No!!! What the fuck are you doing?!"
CASPER: "Signaling"
PHYCO: "Signaling what?! That we're sitting here getting stoned? Who wants to peep at that?! I'll have to put the hazards on for a few seconds to warn people off"
He does - loud clicks and red flashes.
CASPER's peering outside.
CASPER: "Well look... most of these cars are empty... and I can't see any birds..." [to himself] "they must be in the woods dogging..." [to PHYCO] "Fuck it... come on... let's get out of here..."
PHYCO [with resignation]: "Yeah... you're right..."
CASPER undoes his seat-belt at the same time as PHYCO does his up...
PHYCO adjusts his chair - back to the upright position - at the same time as CASPER opens his door and gets out...
PHYCO [shouting after him]: "Where the fuck are you going?!"
CASPER: "Dogging"
PHYCO: "Oh for fucks sake CASPER..."
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT.DEEP WOODS.NIGHT
Very Blair Witch.
CASPER & PHYCO, in black suits, the crunch of twigs underfoot. An owl.
PHYCO [exasperated and stoned]: "Look this is ridiculous... where are we going?"
CASPER: "Sssshhh! C'mon..."
CASPER marches off into the darkness... PHYCO's shit scared...
PHYCO [hurrying/stumbling after]: "These woods are fucking massive man... and it's not necessarily the safest part of town is it... it's the middle of the night for chrisake... what's the chances of us stumbling across a couple putting on a live show out here?!"
CASPER stops and intensely surveys the darkness.
PHYCO [catches up]: "Besides... you know that what we're doing is technically fucking cruising... there might be a gang of poofs out here... I'm not having it... I'm going back to the car"
PHYCO stumbles off toward a distant light through the trees - a passing car.
CASPER reluctantly trails after.
CASPER [to himself]: "I need a signal"
FADE OUT
TITLE CARD: "3 DAYS LATER"
FADE IN
INT.THE IPR OFFICE.EVENING
PHYCO's mobile rings - he answers.
PHYCO: "C&P's I.P.R... yeah... ah yes... oh yes..." [he flicks toward CASPER] "Yes... this is the *Car Fun Wharehouse*... yep... okay... cool... nice one... thanks... look forward to it..."
PHYCO rings off - CASPER's on him by the lapels.
PHYCO: "It's on! Tonight! It's fucking on!"
They dance in a circle, arm-in-arm.
CASPER: "BINGO!"
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT.STATIONARY CAR.NIGHT
PHYCO: "Okay that was 3 flashes... they're at it!"
CASPER's carefully removing all his gangster jewelry/fake rolex etc. He slowly places them over in the glove box... he buttons up his overcoat, and puts on a black wooly burglars hat... very very serious... completely absorbed in the moment...
PHYCO's smoking a joint - he offers it to CASPER.
CASPER: "Nah mate... not tonight"
PHYCO's taken aback.
CASPER [intensely]: "Right... let's have some..."
PHYCO's reluctant... and too stoned... but they get out of the car...
EXT.WASTE-GROUND.NIGHT
Wobbly camera... C&P crunching slowly over toward a blurred commotion, lights...
There are torches beaming in on a car in the far corner of the waste ground... there is a fat peroxide blonde in stockings with her legs up in the air, getting fucked over the bonnet of a car by a skinny old sod, bonking away with his trousers down...
C&P slowly approach - keeping some distance.
Other watchers drift in and out of the shadows like ghosts, several are approaching the scene and fumbling with their trousers... parked cars etc.
FADE OUT
TITLE CARD: "10 DAYS LATER"
FADE IN
INT.CAR.NIGHT
C&P smoking together. Parked up, reading from numerous printed sheets.
PHYCO: "Apparently there's a peeping spot at Baker Street underground... guaranteed up-skirts... the lot..."
CASPER: "Yeah, but what's the point? You can't have a wank down there can you? It'd all have to be saved up for a mental later on... at least out here, with all this, if you see something - you can pull yourself off no worries"
PHYCO [reading]: "There is that"
CASPER [peering out]: "Ooo! Could be some action out here!"
PHYCO looks over - keen and eager - then there's a knock at PHYCO's window, he jumps, it's a policeman with a torch...
The joint gets snuffed out in a panic and the printed sheets are stuffed into the glove-box...
PHYCO winds his window down.
PHYCO [stoned]: "Good evening sir"
Policeman: "And what are you lads up to?"
CASPER & PHYCO answer at the same time:
CASPER: "Checking the map"
PHYCO: "Taking the dog out"
The copper looks around with his torch, suspicious...
Policeman: "We've had a complaint... a young courting couple came up here earlier this evening and claim they were pestered by 2 men fitting your description"
PHYCO: "It couldn't have been us - we've just got here"
Policemen: "Well they described the men as being in their late twenties, bald, and both wearing funeral suits"
CASPER: "Could be anyone"
Policeman [to CASPER]: "They also said that they suspected one of the men to have been committing an indecent act... but they admit that it was dark and couldn't be sure... you can appreciate our concerns can't you?"
PHYCO: "Well yeah... there's a lot of perverts about these days"
PAUSE
Policeman: "Can I ask you both to step out of the car please?"
PHYCO [under his breath]: "Oh for fucks sake, here we go"
They get out.
[Camera glitch]
Switch to long shot across the carpark:
CASPER leant up against the car while PHYCO gesticulates wildly at the copper pleading innocence...
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT.CAR.NIGHT
CASPER starts the car... PHYCO's in utter despair...
PHYCO: "Jesus that was unmellow..."
CASPER: "Tell me about it... Phew... Okay... Let's get back into town... we can be at Baker Street in half an hour..."
FADE TO BLACK
[PART 2]
EXT. CAR PARK. NIGHT
CASPER & PHYCO usher the camera over to a large bush.
On the other side of which we see the headlights from a car.
PHYCO [in a whisper]: "Over here... quick..."
CASPER's peering through a gap in the branches...
CAMERA P.O.V: Through the hedge we see that the car is shaking - a couple are having sex.
CASPER & PHYCO are huddled around the peephole occasionally glancing at the camera behind them with excitement.
CASPER: "Oooo... look at that... something for PHYCO..."
PHYCO peers in close. The camera joins him. The girl has her bare foot pushed up against the window as she gets fucked...
CASPER [to camera/whisper]: "That'll slay him I tell ya!"
PHYCO's completely hypnotised by the foot against the glass.
PHYCO slowly starts to push through the bush - to the other side.
The camera looks through and sees him slowly approaching the car...
CASPER [to PHYCO/a whisper-shout]: "Oi! Get back here... we'll get busted!"
But PHYCO's utterly spellbound.
Camera P.O.V through the peephole:
PHYCO is standing 6 feet away from the rocking car. The sounds of heavy sex. The foot against the glass...
PHYCO reaches out with his hand - visibly transfixed - in a trance.
He starts to slowly move forward... reaching out with his palm toward the window...
CASPER [OOS]: "For fucks sake.... get away from there! Whas he doing?!"
PHYCO's hand makes contact with the glass. The foot on the other side.
The rocking/sex sounds stop after a few beats. The GIRL in the car lets out a "SHRIEK!"
PHYCO is still totally absorbed in the moment... the door on the other side of the car flies open and a young man gets out pulling up his pants and jeans...
MAN: "What the fuck do you think you're playing at you dirty little cunt?!"
PHYCO's attention is broken, he looks up to see the man as he steams 'round the car and attacks PHYCO ferociously.
CASPER [OOS]: "Oh bloody hell... here we go..."
PHYCO is getting his head kicked in as the MAN screams abuse at him... the girls opens her window and joins in:
GIRL: "Fucking kill him... perverted little shit"
CASPER pushes through the hedge, the camera follows...
CASPER: "Alright alright... he's with me... leave it out..."
The MAN is tired from his beating PHYCO... he pauses to catch his breath... PHYCO is on the floor, completely broken...
GIRL: "Who the fuck are you lot?! Have you been filming us??!!"
CAMERA [panicking]: "Uh no... I'm doing a thing on these two... we're just passing by..."
CASPER lifts up the body of PHYCO and throws him over his shoulder. PHYCO groans.
MAN: "You wanna get the fuck out of here a bit sharpish before I do something I'll regret"
GIRL: "You aint gonna let 'em go are ya?! Call the fucking police or something!"
CASPER: "Now come on... there's no need for that... It's a simple mistake... he hasn't been well..."
CASPER exits through the bush carrying PHYCO... Camera follows...
GIRL [OOS]: "FUCKING SAD BASTARDS!"
FADE OUT/IN
INT. THE IPR OFFICE. NEXT MORNING
PHYCO is waking up on the sofa with a series of troubled groans and grimaces... he feels his nose.
PHYCO: "Ow! Oooo what happened?"
PHYCO sits up... he's still in his black suit and covered in dried blood... his teeth and lips, eyes and nose are caked in it... his white shirt is utterly stained... CASPER walks in looking sharp, adjusting his cuffs etc.
CASPER: "Morning! You sleep alright? You fucking penis..."
PHYCO: "Bloody hell... my nose hurts..."
CASPER: "Well start looking awake... we're due down in Brighton in an hour..."
PHYCO: "What? You're having a turkish aint ya? What are we doing down..."
He remembers...
PHYCO: "Oh fucking hell! We're meeting Phil McCavity aint we??!"
CASPER [putting on his coat and swiping up car keys]: "Quite right... and we're late... let's go"
PHYCO continues to gently test his broken nose...
CUT TO:
INT. CAR. DAY
Camera in the back, CASPER drives along the motor-way... PHYCO in the passenger seat still checking his damage in the pull down mirror... still horribly covered/stained in old blood.
CASPER's in mid flow:
PHYCO: "Cor look... it's definitely bust!"
CASPER: "QUIET! I'm speaking... Now I would say that Relish is something you put on your burger - not on your screen. But this is new..."
CASPER picks up a Relish DVD from the dash board and waves it to camera via the rear view mirror...
TITLE CARD:
ANAL OFFICE COCK-UP [RELISH]
RUNNING TIME: 87 mins
DIRECTED BY: Hazza B'gunne
STARRING: Jo-Lee, Monroe, Simone-Claire, Taylor, Bev Cocks, Jamie Woods, Viper, Jay Scarman, Dries
CASPER [to camera]: "it's moderately innovative and it's amusing... but it begs the question "who wants to laugh on the vinegar stroke?" THIS IS NOT MY BAG you know, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have its place. This is tickling the balls of the film genre, quite "Carry On", quite "Benny Hill", It's a laugh, a bit of a giggle and to its credit - it delivers just the kind of material to close the job at just the right time. It's one for the "fun wankers"... the FHM generation... The kind of people who are more interested in what type of mobile phone they have as opposed to the psychology behind a woman who arranges a meeting with 15 vagina starved men in a lay by on the M25. ITS NOT FUCKING DARK ENOUGH for me... but If you're the kind of guy who likes polished well presented goods - this is for you. One to add to that impressive porn library on your Van Shckletar shelf in your converted loft apartment in London Bridge..."
Pause... CASPER negotiates a turn-off...
CASPER [to camera]: "However, it did have something for me... The picture successfully managed to catch that gritty realism that is absent in all US high budget stuff. There was an hue, there were spots on the arses, and the accents - ohhhhh the accents! It wasn't exactly "Judy and Shakina", but neither was it Leanna from Serbia. Good... but not quite right... If cockney's your bag it was short of the mark...BUT AT LEAST IT WAS BRITISH! The sound track was shocking - but isn't it always? I don't know why i bother sometimes..."
PHYCO: "I didn't get much off it to be honest... I liked the car scene... quite Doggingish?"
CASPER: "Look!!! it's good stuff, and more importantly I think this kind of thing is the future of the British market. These boys have struck a fine balance between the US/UK genres with a bit of slap and tickle thrown in. Whether its your banana or not - get used to it!! Relish are here to stay mate..."
PHYCO: "Whatever"
FADE TO BLACK
[VIGNETTE]
FADE IN
CASPER & PHYCO are in a field by a country lane - creeping around the ditch - the sounds of the countryside very much in evidence. They're placing carrier bags full of porn mag's in the hedgerow.
PHYCO: "...just keeping the legend of "the porn fairy" alive..."
CASPER: "Some young lad on a grumble-hunt will think all his christmas's have come at once!"
PHYCO: "This is how we started out - hedge creeping. This is real philanthropy you know."
CASPER [looking into a bag]: "Hang on! We're not giving this one away... it's got sentimental value this one... I'm keeping this..."
Long shot: CASPER stuffing the mag down the front of his suit trousers. PHYCO's in the ditch hanging a bag from a branch.
[PART 3]
[To recap: PHYCO's gotten his head kicked in after an indiscreet carpark episode - still horribly damaged and covered in day old claret. C&P are now on their way to Brighton to visit long-standing ally and porn-monger "Phil McCavity" to pick up some new gear...]
INT. CAR. DAY
Sun light through the windscreen, PHYCO's passed out... camera in the back...
CASPER: "Oi, soft boy... wake up..."
PHYCO: "Uuuurghh... what? Whassup... are we there?"
CASPER: "No, not yet, I took a detour... get all that dogging stuff out will you... I've got a feeling there's something very close by..."
PHYCO reluctantly gets a bundle of well worn papers and printouts from the glove box... shuffles through them muttering...
CASPER: "Under the South East section..."
PHYCO: "Hang on... okay... it says here that there's a hot spot off the main road heading toward Brighton town"
CASPER: "Just as I thought... let's check it out..."
PHYCO sighs... scratching dried blood off his face in the wing mirror
PHYCO: "We're gonna need petrol... we can't afford it..."
CASPER [turning off into a smaller road]: "Stop whining... or i'll find a public toilet and put you to work... it's full of poofs down here you know..."
FADE OUT/IN
EXT. WOODS. NIGHT
Angry tension, pitch black woodlands
PHYCO: "For fucks sake CASPER! We've been here for hours... there's NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENING!"
CASPER: "Phone McCavity and cancel... I'm not giving up yet"
PHYCO angrily wanders off making a call... he returns...
PHYCO: "Look please man... I don't wanna do Dogging anymore... look at the state of me!"
Camera focuses on the fucking mess PHYCO's still in...
PHYCO: "We're the Independent PORN Review CASPER, not the Independent PEEP review..."
CASPER [angry]: "But this is what we were searching for all along! The ULTIMATE porn... The SEARCH!!"
PHYCO: "But can't we just get back to how it used to be??"
CASPER: "No way... not now... it's come too far"
PHYCO: "We've got TONNES of stuff at the office... DVD's... Vid's... Mag's... we haven't even looked at half of it!"
CASPER: "What's the point?! It won't be real will it?!"
PHYCO: "Well... no... granted, it won't... but it's fucking PORNO! Film and stuff! That's what we do!"
CASPER: "What we did PHYCO... what we did... and anyway - "
A noise from the deepest darkness... CASPER pricks up
CASPER: "Sssshh! Did you hear that?"
Camera peers into blackness... another noise...
PHYCO [scared]: "I heard nothing"
CASPER's stalking off into the forests... another noise... they freeze...
CASPER: "Come on!!"
Camera follows C&P as they penetrate the woods... crunch crunch crunch crunch...
FADE OUT/IN
EXT. WOODS. NIGHT
C&P are crouching behind a fallen tree, like David Attenboroughs... only in black suits... all in whispers:
CASPER: "Fucking hell, there's definitely something going on here!"
PHYCO: "It's probably just devil worshippers... or tree surgeons..."
CASPER glances at PHYCO with fury
The sounds of a man now - clearly on the vinegar stroke...
PHYCO: "Oooo blood-eee-hell, no mistaking that!"
CASPER slowly rises, peering over the tree intensely...
CASPER [to camera]: "Put the light on!"
The Cameraman stands up and switches on the night light - illuminating two figures in a little clearing - one of them standing with his trousers down - shaking off after a blow job from the other, knelt before him... as the light hits them the KNEELING MAN stands with his hands up - startled and terrified
KNEELING MAN: "Oh... shit!... What is this?!"
He pulls his jacket up over his head to hide his face
KNEELING MAN: "Is this a set up?!"
PHYCO: "Uuurgh! It's a couple of geezers!"
The KNEELING MAN continues to panic and disguise himself, the STANDING MAN runs off into the night
PHYCO: "NOBODY MOVE! WE ARE C AND P OF THE LONDON IPR... REVEAL YOURSELF!"
KNEELING MAN is stood rigid with his coat over his head
KNEELING MAN [in tears]: "I can't... please... you don't understand!"
CASPER regains his composure and marches toward him like a copper... PHYCO's confused...
CASPER: "Oh we understand alright mate... we understand perfectly well..."
FADE OUT/IN
EXT. TOWN. NIGHT
C&P flank the KNEELING MAN like a pair of gangsters as he stands shaken at a cash-point machine... his face is now pixelated out... the camera is at a discreet distance... the following dialogue in sub-titles, night traffic soundtrack:
KNEELING MAN: "That's a thousand pounds"
He hands the battered and stained PHYCO a wedge of cash - CASPER intercepts
KNEELING MAN: "I can't believe I've been such a bloody fool... nobody can know about this okay? I have your word?"
CASPER counts the cash casually and folds it into his suit pocket
CASPER: "Our lips are sealed... you'd do well to stay likewise pal"
KNEELING MAN: "Can I go? Please, I need to get home"
CASPER: "You're free to go... scram"
KNEELING MAN hurries off down the high street... C&P watch him scurry away as the camera rejoins them... kill subtitles...
PHYCO: "Who'd you think he was?!"
CASPER: "Don't know don't care... probably an MP or a vicar or something..." [sarcastically] "Maybe he was a tree surgeon? He can be who he fucking well likes for a grand!"
PHYCO: "Wow man... what we gonna do with the money?"
CASPER: "Let's go and find a Sauna/Massage... you'll get a shower there... and you know what they say?"
CASPER [to camera]: "A bird in the hand, is worth two ducks in the bush."
CUT FILM
Copyright Matt Grey 2003
All rights reserved
All rights reserved